Today my assistant Vera, who is the personification of pocket Aces, informed me that one of the inhabitants of your primitive planet (named @son-of-satire) sent a transmission about me playing poker with some steemit loyalists.

Because I am great at everything and I smarter and more talented than everyone else, I am clearly a very skilled poker player.

You should even say that I am the greatest poker player who has ever or will ever live.

I don't know if he knew this or was just wise enough to assume it. Perhaps he saw this image before:

You can't see my chips because I had to keep them in a separate vault.
If all of my chips were on the table, it would tip over.

Do you see the young female inhabitant of your planet in that image above? She is very attracted to me. All females are attracted to me. They might just not know it yet.

But back to poker. @son-of-satire included the following image in his transmission:

I folded? Folded what? Did I fold one of my dip wads into a pretzel because of continued incompetence? Why would I fold? I win every hand.

There is clearly something strange about this image. Clearly I must have just sat down at the table and entered the game... but why do I have 60,005 chips? Why would you start a game with 60,005 chips? I mean I obviously just started.

How can you tell?

I'm not winning!

In fact, I'm in 8th place. I am Lord freaking Vader! Do you know the last time I was in 8th place in anything? It was when I was 8 years old and I was in a pod race against creatures with 4 freaking arms! Even then I was only in 8th temporarily. For some unknown reason, all those other pod racers never finished the race. Some even "accidentally" blew up.

So in what galaxy would I be losing to these guys? None. The None Galaxy, that's which one.

So why am I so good at poker? Besides the obvious answer that I'm me.

I have the single greatest poker face in the history of time. Let me show you.

I have pocket Aces (I call that a Vera).

I have 7 2 offsuit (I call that a Stormtrooper... because it will miss the flop every time).

Did you see my tell? Did that throbbing vein in my neck give it away? Could you see my eyes get all shifty?

Of course you can't!

I am the freaking best!

I think it's so cute that your poker players do this to try and cover up for their lack of the steely nerves I have:

This Peter Laak is a total amateur. If he plays me, he's going to lack chips.
See what I did there?

I don't know how @son-of-satire even thinks for one second that any game with me would be any competition at all. I even bested your planet's top espionage agent.

I'm about to use the force. How would you like your entrails? Shaken or stirred?

This idiot actually thought he had me beat.

Oh someone got beat alright.

If someone ever did best me in a hand, I have a knack for finding large objects that "accidentally" and "spontaneously" fly across the room and hit my opponent. But that is a pretty big "if".

Now many people have told corny jokes about my poker playing ability. Some say I can't be beat because I have "all the fours with me". Others say I can't lose because if things go against me, I am very good at "altering the deal". These are both very cute but these tricks are entirely unnecessary. I win on my amazing skill alone.

I am also excellent at figuring out everyone's tell.

Actually many of my opponents have this exact same tell. Perhaps even all of them.
For some reason, they all do this right before they fold.

There was one time when I was playing with my son and he thought he had beat me.

But it turned out...

He lost the hand!

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