Greetings loyal followers.

It seems that it is yet again time for one of your holidays. Dennis, the Empire's IT guy, has assured me that this transmission will be sent to your planet on "Easter" (whatever that is). As I expressed in a previous transmission, if you are receiving this before or after your planet's holiday, it is clearly your fault.

This is the nice message you were going to receive... until Vera told me what you did!

I had planned on sending you my best wishes on such an important day for your planet. Then my executive assistant Vera, whose presence makes every day feel like a holiday, informed me that we had intercepted another one of your transmissions.

Clearly someone on your planet has a death wish... not only for themselves but for your entire species as well as those little vermin you call "rabbits".

Vera showed me this:

I am truly hoping that the majority of you know that the person dressed in that incredibly cool suit is a pathetic imposter. He barely resembles me at all. It is only because of your primitive nature that any of you were fooled by this charlatan.

First of all, I don't bow to the Emperor anymore. I figured out that he can't see past the disgusting wrinkled Shar Pei like skin flaps that cover his eyes. he may think I'm kneeling, but I'm not. Do you know how I end every transmission with him now? Freaking double birds shoved right in his stupid, puke-enduring, ancient, hologram face! Sometimes I make it look like my extended middle fingers are jabbing him in his useless cauliflowered ears (he doesn't hear very well now either).

Then a tiny fluffy pink bunny approaches me... while wearing sunglasses. Miraculously my lightsaber fails. Do you know how many times that has happened? ZERO. They say that lightsaber failure happens to a lot of guys... but not this one. Nope never.

My lightsaber has never run out of batteries. Do you know why? They don't run on mother loving batteries! They are powered by kyber crystals. Do you know what else is powered by kyber crystals?

Death Stars!

Do those fail?

Of course not!

But let's play pretend for a moment. I have heard it is one of the things your primitive inhabitants simply love to do.

It's fun to pretend! Next we will pretend I am not going to destroy your planet.

Let's pretend my lightsaber didn't work. Do you know what I would have done?

Stomped on that stupid freaking bunny!!!!!

I would have jumped on its sunglass wearing face about 10 to 12 times and then laughed all night long.

The crushed bunny was too graphic so I had Dennis edit it out. You're welcome.

At the end of the transmission, the cheap imitator starts jumping up and down like a little baby (we never jump unless we are crushing something). Sith Lords DO NOT throw tantrums. If I ever saw a Sith Lord throwing a tantrum I would expect him to die of embarrassment. For example, if I ever had a grandson who threw a tantrum, I would come back in ghost form and spank him like the little brat he is until he were dead!

But that will never happen.

So never mind.

I don't throw tantrums. But I do throw all sorts of other things... like boxes, bodies, weapons, space ships and little freaking bunnies! I could have squashed that thing against the wall like one of your highly sophisticated water balloons if I wanted to.

Or I could have force choked him... obviously.

So that was clearly not me in that transmission.

Since your inhabitants are such simpletons, I will give you a very easy way to tell if it is really me or not.

If someone is doing the most awesome thing you have ever seen in your life and it makes you think, "Wow! That is the coolest, strongest, sexiest, smartest, most talented being ever!"... then it is me.

If not... it is not me.

Simple.

I think this inhabitant knows how to tell the difference...

Bunny
The bird is the word
Mrs. Nesbit
Jump around
Tantrum
Better Bunny