I just had my fourth Oreo, and I'm not wearing any pants.

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It's Tuesday, and it's the middle of the day, and that is my reality. The funny thing to me is that I'm not really a huge fan of Oreos (or sweets in general) but there they are. Left over from my last party, sitting there. It was an awesome party. A yearly crawfish boil that my friends and I throw to celebrate my best friend's birthday.

The reason there are Oreos is because, as a producer, walking down the isle at Smart and Final, thought, "You know what this party needs? Craft services... And I'm great at Craft Services!" So $300 later worth of La Croix, bottled water, Diet Coke, hummus and roasted chic peas, I set up an amazing table of snacks for my guests.

Problem was, the heat and direct sunlight was a bitch that day, and the rental house I get gear from was out of canopies and so my awesome table was just sitting out getting wrecked. So we had to bring everything inside. But of course, since it was a lovely day, no one went inside.

So now I sit here, surrounded by slightly melted and reformed candy bars, opened but not eaten bags of M&M's and this bag (box?), package of Oreos.

I don't even like them, but dammit, I literally just ate two more of them! Not that you cared, but the way I like to do it, is to open them up, scrape all the cream onto one side, quickly eat the now shitty, cream-less side, and then repeat the process so I can make a DIY Double Stuff'd Oreo. Which now that I think of it, would like to propose that if anyone out there has made a sex tape that appropriately fits that moniker, I'm happy to share it with you.

Honestly, I feel the same way about porn as I do Oreos. I don't find myself really enjoying it while I watch it. But it's there you know? Like an opened sleeve of Oreos, waiting to melt on a table exposed to the sun, it sits there. Got to have the "You watch porn?" conversation with my now recently "ex" girlfriend a couple weeks ago. And the real bitch of it is that I don't even like porn, I said to her unconvinced eyes. It was like she could see little black crumbs sticking to the corner of my mouth while I claimed I'd never had an Oreo. Not that I think it had anything to do with why she broke up with me (I tell myself) but it's always funny when you think about little things like that, with the perspective of hindsight.

Girlfriend not quite pictured.

As I was hugging her for the last time, having cried myself out the night before, through blubbering tears, she said, "I'm sorry that I never put any pictures of us up in my room. I don't want you to think I didn't care." I was unprepared for that. Hadn't really occurred to me, and yet the realization of it DID hurt my feelings. Why hadn't she? And honestly, more immediately relevant, why had she decided to bring it up now? Was I like Oreos and porn for her? There, around, sitting on the table of easily accessible, yet generally un-needed, waiting for someone to get bored enough to visit my canopy-less table. I don't brag about eating Oreos or watching porn. Was our relationship the same way for her?

At the crawfish boil, a producer and recently closer friend of mine (this amazing woman of 50 that travels the world raising money for films and successfully running Oscar nomination campaigns) showed up as we were playing our 15th game of corn-hole. My parties have started morphing into a mix of old friends from college that still like to throw back beers, and my new entertainment industry connections who love to drink hard and talk about movies. So, it's not surprising that she was there, but I didn't expect her to play bags. She had been dating this man for the last three months and was excited about how it was going, but when he wasn't with her upon arrival, I thought to myself, "better not to ask, they may have broken up." And then the first thing out of her mouth was, "where's your lady?" HAHA. I told her I'd been dumped and then she admitted the same had happened to her.

Obviously, shots were next, and many more beers, but we didn't have any Oreos that day, soothing as they might have been, because they had already been taken inside.

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