Hi there all. Umm… so a mentor of mine just told me about #comedyopenmic; some phrase I’ve been seeing flashing through some titles in the “funny-tag” section of late but never gave it much time to know what it was about, the "open" and "mic" thing kinda tripped me off, really not good at putting my hands in things I know I am poorly equipped at should I hope to deliver something worth anybody’s time, but Dj came calling, then I checked it out and found I am even three weeks late to the party. Without much further ado – currently in pain for typing this and not having something better to replace it with – below is my play at the ongoing Comedy Open Mic Round 3. Read and be blessed – damn I did it again.

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Epiphany of Shocks and Ignorance: 5 Things You Learn at a Soccer Stadium

I am a soccer fan. How can I be a Nigerian and not be one? For those who have spent considerable time catching the live action of the beautiful game only on DSTV and its likes, the thought of being among the crowd, the one who gets to hug Cristiano Ronaldo when he scores that last minute cracker is always elusive.

Well, since the opening of the Godswill Akpabio International Stadium in Uyo, a lot of those wishes have finally become reality and although Cristiano Ronaldo has not yet made it to that field – he will when Nigeria gets to host the world cup after Christ’s second coming – most of the relativeness of a normal stadia life has been accomplished and more to it is the surprising lessons that I never thought I had learn:

Tiny Seats Everywhere

The seats are damn too small. It is baffling when they choose contractors who major in toilet seats construction and management to erect those tiny abominations round the stupid green rectangle. And guess what? … the big belly bastards who sign these developments get a specially constructed glass walled chamber with big buffy leather seats to aid their ass while the rest of us peasants shuffle at different angles in search for comfort. The spacing is no less evil. Maybe the engineers who made such specifications did it at a time when dwarfs populated the earth. Maybe not, but it is high time modern constructors dump that old layout and realize kids of nowadays are growing too damn tall plus with great height comes long limbs-bility. Save us the agony of navigating through such spiky limbs on our way to the rest room. Tenk!

More Natural and Man-made Disasters

To anyone seeing an African World Cup qualifiers, the sun won’t be your friend. Depending mostly on the wing you chose to nail as your viewing spot, it will so visit you at the appropriate time with the intention to blind.

The Agony Prize of the day will go to you if you seat at a perfect geometric spot that leaves your ear drum at the mercy of a vuvuzela and its enthusiastic dim witted handler. Best bet: book an appointment with your otolaryngologist a day earlier for a speedy transition from the field of death to the emergency room come the final whistle. Tenk!

VIP Tickets: Scam of the Century

It is supposed to mean something. Important personality. Perfectly placed seat for better views. Lie! Nothing! Regretted each time I bought it. First thought it was my coming late that gave me a bad spot on my first visit, except next time, after arriving three hours earlier, and taking mid-center wing of the ground row, I get shooed out: "this section is for dignitaries" came the shameless guard. The fuck is the VIP ticket - I deprived myself 5 bottles of Star Lager beer to save up - for? They fooled me not once but twice man. Twice! Didn’t Hookes’ Law of Elastic Foolishness peg it at one? Guess I’m doomed to being a Fools Paradise’s citizen. Sick!

A Round of Applause for Stadium Stewards

Stadium stewards are no doubt popped with something that makes them willing to carry out the horrible act of facing the spectators and backing the real action for 90 minutes. And what in Coinmarket’s name are they preventing exactly? That if a suicide-bomber on mission decides to pop the cherry, they had stop him? Maybe their job spec is to watch the floodlights and make sure every one of them isn’t out else they alert the electricity department for a fix. You can’t be soccer fan and take that job. Siting right there in the heat of the action and starring into eyes that never rests on you. It is a sin against the deities of the beautiful game. Be warned, take it and watch your soul burn in soccer-hell. But for those who do not believe in the round-leather religion, periwinkle fishers, ant watchers etcetera etcetera, feel free! No matter how pathetic it may seem, we’d understand.

TV IS BETTER

I had to use caps for this one. I should have used Dsound for aided yelling. Unless you aim to have a restroom quickie with a hotty on short skirt, you have no business going to the stadium if your sole purpose is to enjoy the game. The day Iwobi scored against Zambia, I was busy tugging at my cardigan which had stupidly hooked at the iron bar below my seat. Say hi now to the replay will ya? Boom no boom! Instead I am left to imagine what it is like. Few things are more painful than losing sight of a climactic moment in a football game. Had I been at home, SuperSports would have gladly given it to me from all styles and angles like a sex house worker with 26 years hands on experience.

Yes, people still pay tons of pounds and dollars every weekend to see these games so maybe that makes me dim witted at some level but let them feel free to tell us what. Exactly. It. Is. They. Enjoy.

Peace.

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