While I sat and watched The Lego Batman Movie with my kids, the writers of the movie sat down next to me and tapped me on the shoulder. They said, "Hey Hanshotfirst, we wrote this next joke just for you. You are that special. We really hope you like it."

Dude what's so funny? He said "Gymkata"!

Ok that never happened. If those writers did say something about this joke it was probably, "Let's toss in a really obscure joke that only the tiniest demographic will get. We will add a reference that only the biggest dorks who were around 14 years old in 1985 will get. They have clearly grown up to be losers. The least we can do is throw them this bone. We will mention the movie GYMKATA!!!! And they will go nuts".

What idiot would see this poster and want to see the movie? ... Me.

Well the writers did mention Gymkata and go nuts I did. Just as Robin is about to attack some villains he says, "Don't worry, I know Gymkata". I was literally the only person in a packed theater laughing... but I laughed hard enough for all of us. It was brilliant!

Why?

Gymkata may be the worst movie I have ever seen.

The movie came out in 1985 when I was 14. When I was 14, I looked like I was 11 so I had to buy a ticket for another movie in order to sneak into this one. Too bad for the movie because if I was able to buy a ticket, I could have single-handedly pushed the domestic gross to $5,730, 600.

I think I'd be safe in saying that all 14 year olds are dumb and have terrible tastes. However, my stupidity and lack of good taste made other 14 year olds look like professional movie critics. I loved this movie as a kid. After seeing it in the theater, I rented it on Beta video tape at least 10 times.

Why?

There is no answer.

Looking back, I'd like to think it's because I realized how bad it was and I was just a little advanced when it came to teenage sarcasm. But in reality, I probably liked it.

Perhaps it was because of powerful dialogue like this, "For the next two months you are going to toughen your mind and your body. It will make your Olympic training look like finger painting."

How embarrassing.

You see, he's the good guy because he is wearing red, white and blue.

Gymkata stars real world Champion gymnast Kurt Thomas as Jonathan Cabot. Cabot is a patriotic Olympic Gold Medal winning gymnast. In order to set up a very important part of the Star Wars defense system, the U.S. needs to build a satellite monitoring station (I am not kidding). Apparently the only place on earth that can house this station is the tiny Middle Eastern country called Parmistan (apparently "Madeupistan" just would not do and Mozzarellaville was impossible to infiltrate).

Luckily Parmesan holds a deadly athletic competition called "The Game" (wow who ever came up with that name surely received a bonus!). Not only does the winner of "The Game" get to live, but he also gets one wish granted. Apparently, the only way that the U.S. can build their base is if someone wins "the Game" and wishes for the base to be built. (I'm not kidding)

Perhaps the Ninjas were at a disadvantage because they were too busy laughing to fight.

Who better to win a deadly athletic completion against Ninjas than an Olympic Gold winning gymnast? Perhaps a figure skater? Or maybe a synchronized swimming team? A curler? Why not just send in Chuck freaking Norris? No I guess a gymnast is the right choice. To add a little more motivation to Cabot, the government tells him the they attempted this once before, but the athlete was lost. Guess who that athlete was....

Cabot's father!

Cabot trains with some kind of martial arts masters in order to become the most nimble killing machine ever. In the matter of two short months, not only does cabot invent a new deadly martial art, he masters it. The name of this new Ninja defeating style... Gymkata! And believe me, it made his Olympic training seem like finger painting.

After 2 months of the training required to defeat an army of warriors who have trained since birth, Cabot ships out to Parmistan (spell check keeps changing this to parmesan). Once there, he has to save some Princess... for some reason. He does but that makes some other dude mad... for some reason. For the rest of the movie that other dude tries to cheat and undermine Cabot while he is playing "The Game". So not only does Cabot need to fight an army of Ninjas, now they get to cheat. Luckily he is a master of ... Gymkata!

"The Game" commences and Cabot does all sorts of crazy gymnast tricks. The only trick he has not learned is how to act. Kurt Thomas is simply brutal. He has the acting skills of a World Class gymnast who was just pulled off the street and handed a laughable script and... oh wait. That is exactly what he is. Never mind. Clearly not his fault.

This is Thomas' face throughout nearly the entire movie.
It is as if he is saying "Why am I in this?"

There is one laughable action scene after another. Eventually "The Game" ends. You would think that would be the end of the movie... but no! The princess leads a revolution against that dude. Do you know what she needs in order to win? You guessed it... a master of GYMKATA!!!!

The entire movie is filled with some of the stupidest scenes in the history of film. By far the worst, and the one I immediately think of when I hear the word 'Gymkata" involve the hero having to fight a huge group of warriors in the middle of a public square. Luckily for Cabot, you know what else is right in the middle of the public square?

A FREAKING POMMEL HORSE!!!!!

In case you don't believe me, here is the scene (plus a horrible horrible bonus from a director who does not understand the importance of camera angles)...

If you have a lot of time on your hands and you'd like to see one of the worst movies in the history of time, I'm sure there are full versions of this available. But please, for the love of all that is good... do not spend any money on this. I would feel far too guilty if you did.

Although because it it is 75 minutes shorter, Gymkata it is still far better than Batman v Superman.

What is the worst movie you have ever seen?

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