How To Visit Planet Earth (without being detected)

in funny •  8 months ago


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Tired of the hustle and bustle of the galaxy's center hub? Want to get away from it all? Leave the wife and squids at home! Or better yet, bring the whole family! Plenty of wide open oceans to spread your tentacles or, if you are feeling adventurous, walk among the indigenous populations!

Come to the hottest vacation destination in this sector that no one knows about!

Beautiful beaches, mountains and forests. Over 70% water on this gorgeous little getaway spot.

Be one of the few lucky travelers to visit this gem of a planet and never be detected! Just follow the visitation manual step by step and enjoy your stay on the edge of the galaxy's hidden wonder - EARTH!

Many truly diverse cultures with plenty of stimulating "opinions" about their own cultures and even their own species! Watch as they go through their daily lives while you monitor their public, private and secret communications for a most hilarious time!

Once you get acquainted with this charming little planet you'll begin to love them as much as you do your very own pets! Earthlings are fun to have around and there is never a dull moment. And most of them are house broken!

We supply all the documentation necessary to traverse the tiny blue orb as documentation and personal tracking is important to them. They love it! Sail through all check points with confidence. If you are lucky you might even get detained and searched! We say, search away! Even a thorough groin mauling will result in nothing but assurance you are nothing but a common, helpless human as you pass their rigorous checks with flying colors! Just make sure you complain and protest a lot. They expect it as it is the custom!

We provide the best, latest and greatest morphomoneous pill on the market. Take one per celestial day and even your own mother will not recognize you! Enjoy the diversification of cultures this little jewel of a planet has to offer. There are many planetary races to choose from for a seamless integration into whatever sector you decide on. But remember, take the same race pill each time or you might find yourself in a lot of trouble! And whatever you do, don't drink the water!

Our comprehensive guide to Earth covers everything you will need for a safe and adventure-filled visit.

We have thought of everything; even they way you arrive!

You will be beamed to the heavily forested area as an indigenous animal so as to avoid unnecessary attention as a human form. Once clear of the forest just take your human morphomoneous pill and you will be walking upright in no time!

Unfortunately at this time we cannot beam you to the open waters as there are certain items required for you to bring and that requires a casing to house them. It would look silly if you were caught in the open waters with a supply case! Dead giveaway! That is why we chose the forest. Humans rarely go there as they are afraid of their own wildlife!

Rorglea slithered into the room where Turlpl was reading. "Turlpl! Turlpl! I got them! I got the tickets. We can go to Earth!"

Turlpl turned one of his many eyes toward Rorglea "I was just reading the brochures - it looks exciting! A lower life form - awesome!

The two quivered with excitement causing their translucent skin to act as if jello in a bowl.

They wasted no time in gathering their belongings and getting things in order for their long trip to their long-awaited vacation.

During their long trip to Earth they studied every aspect of the planet, its cultures and what NOT to do! This trip was not like other vacations as the inhabitants were not to know aliens were on their planet - ever!

When they arrived they received on last briefing and were instructed to take their indigenous animal morphomoneous pill to make sure it was working properly.

Rorglea and Turlpl were soon reshaped into two respectable-looking deer. Their instructor gave a nod of approval and they were beamed to Earth.

It was early morning at the beaming area. The two camouflaged aliens were deposited exactly where targeted - the middle of the forest. They decided to try out their new identities and act like deer. They tromped and played and talked all the while. It was a most joyous time as they were on Earth, finally!

Jeeter exhailed slow and calm then squeezed the trigger. BLAM! BLAM! The rifle exploded as the bullets exited the barrel. He hit his targets. He then spit his tobacco waste to the ground.

"Damn Jeeter, you got 'em both!" exclaimed Cooter as he rose to get a better look at the kill.

"Yep, sure did," he responded as the two men walked toward their kill.

As they approached, Cooter picked up his pace in amazement of what he saw. "Holy moly, Jeeter, they're aliens! Hows come you get the alien kills ever time? You got like twenty already this year! How's it you know which deer are the alien ones?"

"Well, I tell ya Cooter, you gotta know what to look fer. Actually, you gotta know what to listen fer. These aliens come here lookin' like deer but theys sure don't act like 'em. Theys tromps all around makin' all kindsa noise and chatterin' like theys a buncha woman at a church gatherin'. Did you hear all that squeakin' just before I shot?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did! I thought theys was squirrels or somethin' like that."

"That was them talkin'. At least I think that's what theys was doin'. All I know is theys easy as hell to spot!"

Cooter bent over one of the aliens. "Damn, look at 'em. They look like some kinda jellyfish or somethin'. And WHOA do they STINK!"

"Takes me forever to get that stink off of 'em too," Jeeter replied as they picked up the aliens and carried them to the truck and loaded them onto the bed. "Theys good eatin' though - taste kinda like salty chicken," he added.

"You know for aliens from outer space, they're kinda dumb," said Cooter as he stood looking at them and shaking his head.

Jeeter spit his tobacco waste to the ground in response. "That silly-looking suitcase kinda gives 'em away too," he said as he chuckled.


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Great story. Loved how in the end these aliens of advanced intelligence are easily outdone by the stereotypically lower intelligence portion of the human race. Also liked the use of satire to call out today's society.


Thanks, man.

Yeah, I felt like writing something fun yet somewhat poignant.

Great story.


Thank you.

I got so attached to Rorglea and Turlpl and you took them away from me!

You monster!
Why would you do this to me?!??!


Yes, but they are still in our memories. :)

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