Make Friends With Your Barista: A Guide For Nerds

 Chapter 5: Proper Tipping

I remember one sunny day I was visiting my favorite barista Chelsea my coauthor, when she mentioned an especially unusual customer who doesn't tip. After a brief summary of his unusual behavior I remember she said, "And he never tips; that is no way to make friends." If you are the sort of person who doesn't tip your barista, this book will not help you. You and that other weirdo have no business with this book or a barista. 

If you cannot afford to tip you should be making and drinking your own coffee at home where you won't subject anyone else to your social awkwardness. I would recommend you return this book and exchange it for one that will help you become a successful nerd instead of just a broke jittery pest lurking around.

I recommend you instead read a book on the following programming languages/nerd topics: Ruby, HTML, XML, Java, SQL, database design, or data analysis. Once you have mastered one or more of these topics, finding a new and better paying job will be easy. Then you can afford to have someone else make your coffee and only then should you have any barista friends. Once you are immersed in such technology, please be aware that the types of girls you want to be friends with do not write any code, do not analyze data, and the only new technology most of these girls are interested in is the technology of their cell phones. Believe me, I know how exciting technology is; however they are not interested in the programming, software or hardware aspects of it and don’t want to talk about it or any other nerd matters. Don’t judge them for it; they don’t know any better. Just keep such knowledge to yourself. Also these girls do not play video games, have any interest in remote control aircraft, any interest in the board games that go on for more than one day, databases, or your data. So save those conversations for your other nerd friends. 

I know how good it feels to write a query that works or make a web page that you wrote, but these baristas won't understand.A barista normally gets on average $1.265 for each drink. I recommend tipping more than average to be noticed and also to indicate that you appreciate them. Always remember to smile while tipping and say thank you. Baristas prefer cash as opposed to the credit card tips. Tip in cash if you are not dead set on using the credit card statement to track your spending like me. I do try to tip in cash occasionally however. So unless it hinders your financial planning or you really need credit card points of some kind, don't be lazy and hit the ATM up before you get your fix.

Regular tipping will make you a recognized and appreciated customer. An extraordinarily large tip will boost relations with your barista for sure. But that is NOT the main reason to be a good tipper. The real reason is for YOU. Here is why:

Think about the most broke person you know. Are they generous? I bet not. Non-generous people rarely have fun, are widely disliked, and are especially annoying to shop and dine with. Generous people make friends easy, have lots of fun, and always actually have more money. The reason? God. God likes generous people and rewards them for it. If you don't believe that return this book and read a Bible instead, you selfish caffeine addicted hoarder. Do you want to be an old nerd with a house full of outdated computer equipment, rambling on about things nobody cares about, living alone with all your empty cola cans and looking for friends online? No. You do not. Make the decision today that you from now will be a generous person! 

Go get yourself a coffee now and give your barista a $50 tip. A decision means nothing without action. I promise it will be fun. The barista will also like it which makes it more than twice as fun. Repeat this action on a day when you happen to feel a bit down. It certainly will confirm this is the new way you should live. You will instantly be in a better mood. People only get depressed when they are thinking about themselves. Ever see anyone crying while baking someone else cookies? I bet you haven't. If you do, take a picture. It will make a hilarious meme. 

If you do not find that you have more money being a generous person, feel better, and that you have more fun we will gladly refund the purchase price of this book but you cannot ever be friends with us, especially Chelsea.

 If you play video games, have a remote control airplane or have designed a database, I have to admit I still would probably like talking to you.