One evening I was working as a hostess in a local restaurant for a function.
Now those who know me would very easily tell you I am the prime example of a Plain Jane at the best of times, and this being the formal event of the year meant that I would have to dust off those stunning heals I bought once up being a creative platform for spiderweb art at the back of my closet and get myself in a dress and be the pretty princess my father had always hoped that I would become ~ at least for one night.

As the evening wore on with my virgin feet begging for mercy I wanted nothing more than to get home and comfortably become one with my couch.

At that point in life I didn't have my own transport yet and had to rely on my older brother for a lift. when he arrived to pick me up he gave me one look and decided that he would not allow an opportunity of prancing me around town all dolled up , pas him by. So drinks and a night out (the rest of it) on town it was!

Somewhat later on and quite a few drinks further into the evening, I had clean forgotten about my pining desire to get out of my uncomfortable attire, and was painting the town red heals and all. Being young and foolish, I didn't quite pace the drinks as well as I should have, and neither did my bother and in no time we reached a state of immense inebriation. I vaguely remember my brother accidentally catching fire and me extinguishing it with a well placed Ice bucket and standing on top of a strangers car while singing to a random crowd and somehow managed a wholehearted applause. That might I add was where this little cabaret diva decided to exit stage right. I convinced my brother that it was time to leave and we made a snail pace home ( all thirty kilometers of it to the farm ) By the time we hit the gravel road turnoff my drunken state depicted that I should firstly bask in moments held dear and sentimental, then wallow in self pity for any and every reason that I could dream up.

It was at this point that we passed a tiny calf, that I felt such immense pity for while tears were rolling down my face followed with uncontrollable sobs for the blatant fact that he was alone next to the side of the road and he must be missing his mommy and for all I know I probably figured at that stage that he even had a difficult birthing and goodness knows what else. So I did the only logical thing I could think of, I made my brother stop and pick him up. because he needed food and shelter 'til we could find his mother.

My brother with a gust of responsibility firstly tried talking me out of it then later then reluctantly agreed to my brilliant plan. The fact that we were in a two door car and the tiny calf (which after closer inspection the next day turned out to be at least a month old, and not quite as tiny as I remembered) was sitting on my lap for the remainder 4km's home was insane in itself, but not as crazy as what happened next.

Once home, we took the calf into the TILED kitchen where he found his hooves unsteady on the new surface, then scoured the store for surrogate milk, just to find that we were all out, and made a home made concoction to fed the poor baby with, a recall vaguely what was put into this miracle mix but choose to hold complete deniability. The next step was to get him fed,
and alas no teet! SO WE IMPROVISED YET AGAIN!

My brother produced a sealed condom from his wallet, It all made perfect sense, this was opened and promptly tied to the front of a funnel and made the perfect teet, the calf seemed to love it, If only we managed to get more of the mixture in the funnel while feeding the calf that on the floor (making it even more slippery for the poor darling, that now looked like he was in mid rehearsal of an un-aired Disney on Ice production) then it would have been an near perfect success!!

Well lets just say, that after the full bellied calf had a sponge bath and we retired to bed ~ MINE were my mother found me and the calf comfortably snuggled up the next morning shortly after having a COW (something to do with the state of the kitchen, hallway & bathroom)

NO CALVES WERE HARMED IN THE PROCESS

WE TRACKED DOWN THE OWNER OF THE CALF THE NEXT DAY AND TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED, HE WAS LAUGHING SO HARD THAT HE COULD BARELY UTTER THE WORDS " KEEP HIM - HE'S YOURS NOW"

SLICK AS HE WAS DUBBED SHORTLY AFTER BECAME A BELOVED PART OF THE FAMILY & LIVED OUT A FULL LIFE ON THE FARM WITH ME