The subtle art of being an ass

Being mean is not something you set out to be, its a place you end up.

Like closing a bar and going to Denny’s, you didn’t start your night with that destination in mind, you just ended up there.

But, if you stay open-minded, you can enjoy being mean just as much as being kind.

You just don’t get that karmic after-taste of satisfaction that being kind leaves you with.

That cosmic pat on the back and a celestial “Atta-boy!”.

And why am I mentioning it?

Because I am being mean.

And I am loving it.

Here’s why.

There is a Family with a baby at the next table at my favorite breakfast spot.

And it is not a young family, these are mid-40 parents.

And here is my problem with that.

When a teen or 20-something has a kid, that kid is their whole life.

Both parents focus on that kid like its the only thing keeping them alive, and it just might be.

But, and this is not all 40-somethings, I happen to know a 40-something single mom who is a great mother. (As well as being breathtakingly hot.), but the overwhelming majority of 40-something parents have too much shit going on to make the child their sole focus.

Here is the cast of characters at the next table:

Baby- Pretty much had a low level crying fit going the whole time he was there. I have seen this before. Not a good looking kid. Seriously. Some people win the genetic lottery, and those Irish among us know what I mean, but some people really just rolled snake-eyes on that one. This kid has a life-time of disappointment ahead of him.

Dad- His name is Don. I know this because it was the only clear word I could make out from Mom. Don took the lion’s share of the blame for many things from the moment they walked thru the door. He lived in his cell phone.

Mom- Not sure what her name was, not sure she needed one. She had the unbelievably annoying habit of whispering everything except her husband’s name. Instinctively, I don’t like her. Can I use the word bitch here without being sexist?

And here is what I am doing.

I am annoying Mom.

Dad is sitting with his back to me, Mom is facing me and Baby is in a high chair at the end of the table.

Early on, Baby hit is vocal peak for a second and I looked up and rolled my eyes.

And locked eyes with Mom.

The glare was epic.

She was at that point in her life that the baby is a reflection of her.

And total approval is what she demands of the world at large.

And it made me laugh.

I stayed poker face, but it was close.

I love to annoy women like this.

Over the course of the next 10 minutes, I rolled my eyes, sighed, hell, I even thru up my hands at every little squeek that came out of that kid.

And it was driving Mom fucking berzerk.

About 5 minutes in, Mom started whispering to Don, because obviously, this was his fault.

It took a whole 5 more minutes before she hassled him into doing something.

Finally, after I sighed a little too loud, Don put down his phone and turned around.

“Do you mind?” It was said almost politely. Dammit Don, if you are going to confront, be an asshole about it.

And here is the completely childish response from me.

I have a lazy left eye that drifts off if I am not concentrating.

So I let the eye drift off, badly. Right eye is looking at Don, left eye is looking at the wall.

It disturbs people for some reason.

I pulled my headphones out of my ears. They aren’t on, but if they were, I would not be able to hear what they were saying, would I?

I slurred my voice. “I’m sorry, am I bothering you? Sorry, sir, sorry.”

The whole thing together was a confusing thing to deal with.

I could see it in his eyes.

“Oh, uh, no no, its ok.” And Don turned around and got in a whisper fight with Mom.

And it really did not help that Mom caught me smiling and looking at her with both eyes straight.

Please understand that I am not exactly proud of this little episode, but I am not ashamed either.

But it was funny at the time.