Immersed in a suffocation of blaring 90’s pop-hits, my foot uncontrollably begins to tap in an attempt to make peace with that inescapable beat. This is hopeless, I can’t get out. There is a breeze coming in from an unidentifiable location. Current status - uncomfortable. Disorientated and stressed from the above fluorescent lights, would it be weird to wear sunglasses inside? I’m imagining that being buried alive has its benefits. Firstly, you have your own personal space and secondly, for the peace and quiet. I am under heavy fire, constantly being distracted by female onlookers. Then the staring eyes begin to burn like laser beams, I am not judging, but - how do they manage to sell so much crap? I attempt to sit patiently, waiting on my wife as she ponders the colour combinations of 1001 shoes - the shopping mall is no place for a young married man.
'Man' has come a long way - I am talking about a long evolutionary struggle for survival. Perhaps early man was more advanced with their humble cave dwellings, loin cloths and masters degree in fire. Especially in these moments, I would much rather take on a casual sabretooth attack, then sit here and endure another half hour. Even with all the pods and I-gadgets, unlimited information and entertainment in excess - what good is it? When I feel a primal rage swirling inside attempting to escape, now spending all mental energy taming these ancient blood-lines - this gladiator is unequipped.
As we move sequentially from store to store, passing all colours of chrome, I test the waters of rationality by asking, ‘what exactly are we looking for?’. Honestly, what did I expect? There was an answer, I think, not that it changed anything. This artificial land has man completely out-witted. Now travelling as a lone wolf, I move into the change room scene - at times the sex ratio could be 12 to 1. They knew I was coming, the mission has been compromised and they strategically placed one filled lounge chair exactly where I was due to rendezvous.
From the moment I knew that shopping was on the cards, I began preparation. Day game bag packed, loaded with meditation and medication. A smart man plans ahead, 1 day of water, Subway cookies double choc-chip for levelling blood sugar level and head-thumping beats to drown any sorrows. This is not my first rodeo.
From the safety of a set of mega bass headphones pumping deep house, I watch as packs of females engage each other in shallow discussion - where group think is expressed through synchronistic nodding. Sales attendants dominate these grounds, hiding behind silly smiles and loaded with supportive comments - “WOW! That looks great on you! That’s what everyone is wearing right now!” and of course, “That’s so hot on you!” As a supportive husband, It is crucial that I am here - apparently.
Modern man does not belong here. Other lost soldiers stand aside yawning and we look across at each other, eye contact - like a mutual handshake of shame. Where did I leave my free will? I swear it was here a minute ago. Lets all take a moment to thank God that the Garden of Eden did not have shopping malls. Or perhaps it did, and that is the reason why Adam ran to the apple, either way it was all Eve’s fault. Nevertheless, I believe it is safe to say that there wasn’t shopping malls in the time of Adam and Eve, otherwise he may have made the big call - ending the human race prematurely.
This would have saved all future man from the tortures inflicted by the shopping experience. These are the moments where many great men are lost...