Ecownomics

CAPITALIST
You have two cows.
You sell one, and buy a bull.
Your herd grows.
You sell the herd and retire on the income.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand holds a benefit concert for the cowless.
Only those with at least three cows can afford to attend.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to milk his cow.
You are both forced to remit half of each cow to cover the cost of programs for the cowless.
You eat your remaining half cow, then starve to death.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government takes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

FASCIST
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

ANARCHIST
You have two cows.
Your gay neighbors have no cows.
They have an organic hemp farm, which they guard with automatic weapons and farm with solar-powered tractors they designed and built themselves.
Life is good.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Both are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have no cows.
You have 50 million sheep.
The one on the left is kind of cute.

BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
Unexpectedly, they produce milk, not tea.
You turn the pasture into a cricket paddock.
Life is jolly good.

AMERICAN VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.
You sell one cow to buy million-dollar document shredders and a new US President, leaving you with nine cows.
Taxpayers are forced to absorb the debt for your ten cows.
The public buys your bull.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
At night when nobody is looking you have sex with both of them.
You kill them both and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
You get a $40 million grant from the US to find alternatives to milk production.
You buy two cows.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
Another country claims you have many cows, bombs the shit out of you, and invades your country.
You have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have no cows.
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow will not share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One of them is a horse.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best-looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have 15 million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd.
You pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION 1
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION 2
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has been living a lie.
It disappears for several weeks to undergo a taxpayer-funded sex change operation.
Now you have two cows, only one of which produces milk.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
You are sued for discrimination.
Jesse Jackson organizes a protest in your driveway.
Hillary Clinton makes $150 thousand a day demanding higher taxes “for working cows”.
Your legal expenses are so great that you cannot afford to feed either cow, both of which die of starvation.
The LA Times reports your business failure is Bush’s fault.

SURREALIST CORPORATION
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonics lessons.