Seal Team 6: The Inside Story of the Tough Hombres Who Wasted Osama

September 11th, 2001. What a beautiful day! Not a cloud in the sky!

Cody! It's time for school, hurry up! Get in the car we're gonna be late!

"So what are you learning in school today son?"

"Oh, we are going to learn about how America is the greatest country God created"

"You're damn straight. Ok here you are son. I'll see you later. Daddy's gotta go to work."

"Hey let's listen to some tunes".

"Oh, hell yeah! I love this song!"

"This music will never go out of style!"

"Hello, you're listening to WNBC. That was Lou Bega with 'Mambo No. 5" The time is now 8:43 and it's a beautiful September morning..."

"We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report. A hijacked passenger jet, has struck the World Trade Center north tower"

"Oh crap"

She's gonna blow!

Fido! Get in the car! Here boy!

"Sorry I'm late. I just got in. Did you guys hear about the attack?"

Reports coming in now, that the attack was planned by this man. His name is Osama Bin Laden and he is the leader of the Terrorist organization Al Qaeda.

"I sure hope they get that son of a bitch!"

I'm joining the military! Who's with me?

The nearest recruiting office is in Times Square I believe.

Sir! I'd like to join the navy! I want to be a seal.

The navy will appreciate your service. We need more brave men like you, especially after that tragedy.

Just one question for you.

...

Are you a homosexual?

Hell no, sir!

Excellent. Welcome aboard. Your first mission is to go to Afghanistan and stop the Taliban. What is Afghanistan, you say? It is a country known for its beauty and opium.

You will be traveling with the elite, 327th airborne to deliver an elephant. Godspeed, we're winning hearts and minds. The security of this country depends on you.

Good work soldier! The northern alliance is sure to appreciate that elephant shipment! We may just damn well win that war... shit!

For your next mission you will fight for the liberation of Iraq. Godspeed, soldier. Now's your chance to take the fight to those bastards that did 9/11! After all, 15 of the 19 hijackers came from Iraq.

Now get going soldier! General Petreus will debrief you... fuck!

Welcome to the green zone.

I'm General Patreus. I will be your commanding officer.

Your mission is to find all Ba'ath party members and make sure they lose their jobs. Our hope is that this will decrease sectarian tensions. Good luck and Godspeed.

"Hey! You're fired! Get the fuck out of here".

Good work soldier! Marginalizing the Sunni population is sure to reduce tensions.

You'll make admiral for this!

Soldier! Someone has a special message for you. Go to that darkly lit corridor over there. A cloaked figure wishes to speak with you.

You have performed well, soldier. Your successes on the battlefield have brought glory to your name and struck fear into the hearts of our enemies! The vice president has heard much about you and has invited you into the ranks of the "Secret Order of the Empire". Keep your arm steady as we begin the initiation.

Now that you are officially inducted we can assign you your new top secret mission. You are to be transferred to a secret base on Antarctica. It is believed that the terrorist Osama Bin Laden is hiding there.

"I've been searching for years, I'll never find Bin Laden".

Just keep distributing the krill, soldier.

We're winning hearts and minds.

Goddammit! I joined the navy to kill Osama, not to hand out kril! Something's got to change.

Something did.

I am now the President of the United States of America.

I understand you have been assigned to whack Osama. Well, things are going to change around here let me tell you. I have assigned a new lady detective in the CIA to find this cocksucker.

She's tough as nails.

Details are sketchy at best. All we know is that there is a man in a house in Pakistan. This man sends out packages and a courier delivers them.
We saw it with satellites and shit.

You are to proceed in a helicopter gunship across the Pakistani border until you reach this house and terminate Osama... terminate him... with extreme prejudice.

For this mission you will cooperate with 6 elite commandos culled from the ranks of the seals. This team will be called "Seal Team 6" for obvious reasons.

Allow me to introduce you. This is Petty officer O'Hagan. Black belt in jiu jitsu.

This is Zampano: the strong man

Gunners mate Randolph Johnson.

"I'm gettin' too old for this shit"

This is Harpo. The silent one.

And the pilot. Isaiah Thomas.

"I'm just here to motherfuckin' fly the motherfuckin' ship"

Now allow me to introduce your commanding officer. One of the finest soldiers this country has ever produced.

This is Ensign Gomez. You'll be taking orders directly from her. Any questions? Good.

For this mission you'll be using "the big gun".

"Are you sure you know how to use that thing?"

The mission begins at dawn. Good luck.

"Hey soldier. Why do you always wear that cowboy hat?"

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"Eh, never really thought about it. Just a good luck charm, I guess".

Gentleman, we are entering Pakistani territory. Lock and load.

Oh shit. We're hit! We gotta improvise our landing!

This is for 9/11 boys. Let's get him.

"For this trick, I will break a chain fastened to my chest using only my pectoral muscles. You can see the chain is real and that I am only using a cloth to shield you from the site of blood, should anything go wrong".

According to the schematics, Bin Laden should be in the next room!

Give me my hat back you knucklehead!

There he is! Shoot him before he reaches for his cane!

Allahu Ackbar, motherfucker.

Let's get out of here. Step on it, Isaiah.

Whatever, man.

Mission accomplished. You killed Bin Laden. Now let's just chuck him in the sea.

Of all the souls I have ever encountered... his was the most... human.

Congratulations soldier. America is in your debt. You deserve some rest. Perhaps the two of you would like to have a little "R and R"