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The film opens with Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson) getting married to Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), Seattle’s most eligible bachelor. Their high-society wedding is dispensed with in a montage. Then their luxury honeymoon in France is dispensed with in a montage. And then, well, everything else drifts by with so little structure or intrigue that it might as well be a montage, too. Ana and her friends buy dresses; Christian buys a house. Ana drives a car; Christian drives a jet ski. On and on this product placement-heavy conspicuous consumption goes, but there’s hardly any personality to it, and even less plot. Would it be cruel at this stage to mention that the screenwriter, Niall Leonard, also happens to be James’ own husband? Maybe. But, to be fair, his scripting is no more perfunctory than James Foley’s directing. Between them, they seem to have been aiming for the will-sapping vapidity of a Kardashian reality TV show overseen by Tommy “The Room” Wiseau.

Still, Fifty Shades Freed isn’t wholly without incident. Every now and then, Ana goes to her office in a publishing firm, thus establishing that she is the only senior fiction editor in America who doesn’t have a single manuscript or proof copy at home. And every now and then she and Christian bicker about having children – the kind of work-life disagreement which would barely fill the Charlotte storyline in an episode of Sex and the City.

The problem with the "Fifty Shades" franchise—if it can be called a franchise—is not so much its portrait of a controlling man manipulating his lover past her comfort zone, although earlier installments feature such scenes. The problem is there's not enough sex and too much ... everything else. Kidnappings. Office drama. There's a gun in a drawer. People are stalked. A helicopter crashes in the mountains. High-speed car chases! When compared to, say, some of the films of Catherine Breillat, the "Fifty Shades" movies come off as coy '60s films about marriage, commitment, and—adorably—male ineptitude in the kitchen. ("Fifty Shades Freed," the latest film, shows Christian Grey trying to make dinner for his new wife and burning the tomato sauce, as she looks on affectionately.) There's a conservative streak in E.L. James' books, an acceptance of all of the "symbols" making up the heterosexual status quo: diamond rings, marriage, house-hunting. What would the stories be like if they did question the status quo? What would it be like if Anna Steele was not interested in the domesticated trappings of state-approved monogamy, but chasing pure experience because it's fun and exciting? Now that would be truly radical.
Arriving home with Christian in his—sorry, their—sleek and vast apartment occupying mansion-like terrain inside a modern high-rise apartment building, Ana is taught the rules of the game: she can go nowhere without a member of her security detail, because wealth and fame make her a potential target of robbers and kidnappers. Daily life has become complicated, and what she used to do effortlessly and unthinkingly—going out, seeing friends, driving—is now a logistical labyrinth (though, fortunately, there’s a chief of staff at home to keep the system running smoothly). When the couple heads out to a remote old lakeside house, Christian insists on taking their Autobahn-ready Audi, which she’d like to drive. But first they’re met at the intricately ramshackle old manse by an architect named Gia Matteo (Arielle Kebbel), who flirts brutally with Christian. (The come-on line is an all-time howler: “I love what you’re doing in Africa.”) In a moment alone together, Ana gets her power moment and delivers it, putting Gia in her place with a lacerating insult that only the high-handed rich patron could get away with. The dispute, however, pivots not just on flirtation but on architecture and its uses: Gia proposes to tear the house down and is showing off her plans to rebuild a modern one on its site. But Ana wants to keep and renovate the old house, maintaining its charm while upgrading its facilities.

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