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RE: How to become a friend with a Finn?
I have read that Finnish people do not engage in "small talk." So they simply don't know how to do it. Is this true?
For instance, if I pass a co-worker in the corridor, I may nod and say, "how's it going?" So, a Finnish person would not understand why I am trying to interrupt its important walk somewhere, just to ask it how its life has been lately. What is misunderstood, is that I just wanted to acknowledge the Finn's existence, and get acknowledged in return... which is very important to me for some reason! Now I am offended, and the Finn is annoyed, and we've had a grand misunderstanding.
Well we are really bad at it. Especially the "how's it going?" is a big danger, as we don't recognize the true meaning of the question. We might give the honest answer, with everything which have happened in the past few days.
For us the safest method to existence of a Finn is only to say "Hello" and not smile. You can smile the second (or third) time you say hello, but the first time it's also dangerous, as they might think you are making fun of them.
We are poor reacting with strangers AND in small talk. There are stories in which an American man comes to Finland and gets a ride from a Finn. The American talks a few words and the Finn replies shortly. Then they sit quiet for the next 300 km.
In the end, the American is thinking "That was the most horrible drive ever, he must hate me because he was so cold towards me"
And the Finn is thinking "He seemed really nice, we had a great ride".
It is very strange, the difference between the cultures. I wonder what happened to the small-talker cultures that caused this weird social protocol to emerge. Or, the other way round: what happened to Finns and the like which suppressed the development of small talk?
It's a societal preference, too, not necessarily individual. There are plenty of folks in small-talking countries who hate small talk. I'm not one of them, but I can see why they hate it. If you look at it through a cynical lens, it really is entirely mechanical. It's like a TCP/IP handshake for human beings.
I bet there are Finns who want to small talk too. We should set up an exchange program for the talkative Finns and the reclusive Americans! They can take each other's places, and everyone will be happy :)
I think what happened to the Finns was living in a very cold climate causing them to have to spend a large portion of their time indoors. In past centuries or millenia "indoors" meant the inside of a small cabin. That cramped space was often shared by a fairly large family by modern standards, which would have been intolerable without honing the skill of studied indifference. Such long-standing cultural practices do not change overnight.
But there are signs of that culture slowly dying out. These days, television is filled with constant inane babble, hugging and incessant small talk. Individual sports are no longer where the Finns are the most successful at. Ice hockey has been the de facto national sport for a couple of decades now. In basketball and volleyball, Finland has been able to do surprisingly well in international tournaments in recent years. In sports, Finland is becoming the new Sweden.
If somebody asks you "How are you doing?" in Finland, it is customary to tell them the truth and say "nothing in particular" or just "nothing" if you don't want to open up. Note that people don't usually answer "Fine!" if that really isn't the case.
If you do this in a small-talking country, people will think there is something wrong with you and avoid you like the plague.
The proper answer when asked "How are you?" is some variant of "Good." Occasionally, between acquaintances, an "Oh, okay I guess" is acceptable on Monday.
If you see the person every day, the rare "Been better" is begrudgingly accepted, but only if you obviously have a cold or some other illness. If there is any doubt in the recipient's mind what your inconvenience may be, or worse, if it's obvious but may cause them to feel anything other than a fleeting trace of empathy, expressing it is forbidden.
Would you happen to be English by any chance? Your English is flawless and you describe a mentality I've heard is typically English. You're expected to keep those little polite words coming and never burden others with your problems, weaknesses or annoyances unless they are your close friends - or unless you're talking about something generic like the weather.
That would be telling. :)
Thank you for your kind words. I take great pride in my literacy and writing ability. You may have just inspired me to write again sometime soon. :)