Friends and Friendship

There is a Chinese saying that goes, loosely translated, like this: "At home, you count on your parents, outside of your home, you count on your friends." And another that goes: "Drinking with a true friend, a thousand cups are not enough." Such are sayings in praise of friendship and the importance of having friends.

How do people – strangers to begin with – become friends?

Friendship usually results when acquaintances are comfortable with each other. This happens after a period of social intercourse and interaction, during which we get to know a person’s character, their good points and weaknesses.

Through a person’s words and actions, we will have an idea of whether he or she is a reliable and trustworthy person, whether ‘his or her heart is in the right place’. They may have some idiosyncrasies or habits which we do not quite like, but, overall, we find that he or she is a decent person. Alternatively, our intuitions will tell us to distance ourselves from this person.

The characteristics of a friendship include empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other’s company, trust, acceptance, and the ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment. They signify a stronger bond between two people than that between say, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours, or even family relations, and are non-sexual in nature.

There are degrees of depth in a friendship. It is normal to like one friend more than the other. The more we have in common, the deeper, and stronger is the friendship. Having common interests usually help develop the friendship, as we have more things to share, talk about, and participate in together.

Although we come into contact with lots of people through the course of our lives, few end up as friends. If we have one good friend, our life is rich. If we have half a dozen or more, we are popular. Usually, one does not have more than half a dozen very good friends – those whom we can count on at any time of the day.

In this rat-race society, where it is every man for himself, and what with our daily demands, concerns, and pressures from work, as well as family, we hardly think of taking time to cultivate a friendship. Cynicism, scepticism, and the superficial social circle add to the difficulty of finding a true friend.

On the other hand, it is also true that, very often, we take our friends for granted. We take for granted that they will always remain our friends, will always be there for us. We never know the value of friends until we have lost them.

As with most things in life, nothing lasts forever. Friendships die off when friends don’t make the effort to keep in touch, to spend time together. Sometimes, people grow apart due to circumstances, commitments, needs, or interests. Life is never static. Things change, people change, time moves on, and we along with it. This is all part and parcel of the natural process of life.

Friendships are also very fragile. Don’t take for granted that friends will forgive our transgressions. One wrong word, even spoken in jest, or one wrong act at a crucial moment could end years of friendship. Sometimes, a sincere apology will salvage the friendship, but, we are not always so lucky.

Sometimes, our expectations of our friends, or the friendship, are too high. We should bear in mind that nobody is perfect. We will never have any friends, if we expect our friends to live up to all our expectations. There has to be a degree of acceptance. We have to take the good as well as the bad.

A blessed thing it is then, for any man or woman to have a friend – one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults. If we have one such friend in our life, we can count ourselves one of the lucky few, for our lives will be that much happier and more fulfilled. And the more friends we have, the more fulfilled and meaningful our lives will be.

However, it is the quality of a friend and the friendship, not the quantity that matters. Remember, friendship needs our time and attention. If we have too many friends, we will not have enough time to cultivate true, meaningful friendships.

There can be lifelong friends, and lifelong friendships, if only we put in a little effort, if only we play our part in keeping the friendship alive. Friendship is a two-way traffic. We need to give and take, forgive and forget. If you want to have friends, be one to start with.

Unfortunately, not all people believe in friends. There are people who believe that the need for friends is over exaggerated. Perhaps they don’t feel they need friendship, or maybe they have been betrayed by friends before, which has caused them to lose faith in friendship.

Indeed, there are fake friends and there is fake friendship. Some people pretend to be our friends when we have everything going for us, but at the slightest sign of calamity or unpleasantness, they are the first to walk away. Some people are such great pretenders we are taken in by them. But true friends are quite easy to distinguish. True friends never ask for our help unless it is a last resort, or only when they are at their wits end, whereas fake friends will come on to us with the slightest thing, and keep asking us for favours and help, when they could have easily handled the problem themselves. They take advantage of our friendship. We have no obligation to entertain ‘friends’ like them.

True friends would be too proud to approach us for help. They would not want to impose on us, because they valued our friendship. These are the friends we are most willing to help without feeling any obligation. We are happy to help.

Whatever it is, people who think that they can do without friends are much mistaken. No man is an island. People are interdependent on one another. At some point in our lives, we will need help in one form or another. And who do we turn to first? Our friends, of course. And if they are genuinely our friends, and we theirs, they will not hesitate to help if it is within their means. Even if it is not within their means, they will in turn ask their friends for help. At the very least, they will be by our sides to help us get over the rough period.

No matter how independent we are, or how much we enjoy our own company, there will always be moments when we want to do something different; hang out with a like-minded friend, have a meal, or drinks, go for walks, just to go out and about, or just have someone to chat with, someone who has different perspectives and viewpoints from us. There will always be times when we need a listening ear, someone to share our thoughts and idiosyncrasies, times when we need a shoulder to cry on, or just know that there is someone there for us should we need them.

A world happiness database study found that people with close friendships are happier. Older folks who lead an active social life are less prone to depression and dementia. They live more meaningful and fulfilled lives. So, go out and make some friends. Where there are people, there are potential friends.

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