The Pandemic: More than Any Catastrophes | a free write

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The Pandemic has been long running for almost 2 years already. Some may find 'stay at home' mandates as comfortable and safe but for my situation, it's a whole lot more than that.

I've been poor my whole life but I tell you, I'm at my poorest right now. And by 'poor', it's all the physical, mental, emotional and financial aspects in life.

For the past blogs I've written here, it's all butterflies and sunshines, bread and butter, selfish thoughts that I turned into poems. But now, I'm writing what's happening in my life as of the moment - how my life just keeps on turning upside down and sideways.

My father has worked abroad for almost half of his life. He's a chef for 24 years already in both local and overseas. When a few cases of Covid-19 were spotted, some countries took action, closing the borders and putting the community in quarantine. And in some countries, like in the Philippines, borders were not closed. Three cases of positive Covid-19 didn't alarm the country at all. In Dubai, where my father works, restaurants were temporarily closed as mandated. There was no cancelation of contract so my hardworking father continually waited for the signal to return to work. After a few months, restaurant operations were now allowed but with limited staffs. Although my father was one of the company's favoratite chef, employees who were of the same race as the owner were prioritized. My father couldn't work as he keeps his hopes high for another positive signal. It has already been 7 months, there was still no update. "How am I going to feed my family?", "I have bills to pay?" these thoughts may have overwhelmed my father. Every single day that passes is another piece of pressure and burden to carry back to the Philippines.

He asked his employer to terminate his contract so he could return here in the Philippines. Imagining what thoughts my father has been thinking that time, it must have been exhausting as he was also alone overseas. Remember the blog I made about my parents? Guess what, they broke up. They're now separated and I do respect that. I understand that it's better for them to separate that yell at each other at 2AM.

As they already broke up before my father returned, my mother was super annoyed when my father showed up in our doorsteps. I'm not gonna lie, the secondhand pain I got from witnessing the situation is a whole new level of pain. My mother was kind off pushing my father away and I couldn't do anything. I hid in my room as tears slowly stream down and settle on my pillow. My father has been through a lot. He deserves a warm welcome.

For a few months, my father has been sustaining us with his resignation money but he knew it couldn't last long. He started a business, a small restaurant in a food court. I could say, my father is pretty much of a hero. He wakes up at 5AM to go to the marketplace. Goes home at 9AM, carrying all the vegetables, 10 kilos whole chicken, and 12 kilograms beef in his old motorcycle that's not in its optimal condition. He slices the chicken into parts and marinates it then he prepares the beef. He goes to the restaurant at around 2PM and start the operation. He goes home at 11PM. Of course, we do help in the restaurant because there's no hired staffs. My parents relationship never got fixed as a couple but instead, they just cohabited and act like friends. I think that's more preferable.

Because of the business, we're sustained for our daily needs but it wasn't enough to pay of the debts. We couldn't pay the rent for the last 7 months and that amounted to Php 35,000.00. We decided to live with our grandparents so we'll no longer raise our debt.

My grandfather died due to Covid-19 and nobody was prepared for it. Although he was bed ridden due to problems in his spine, he was well and communicates with us well. Deaths during this pandemic are more sad. No one could visit and comfort the family personally. Nothing to divert the attention to. Wakes are not allowed and my grandfather was burried without having a ceremony.

Online classes aren't the friendliest either. We didn't have a proper transition from high school to college because of the pandemic. No proper farewells, no last moments, nothing. Everything happened in a snap. Honestly, for the 3 semesters that made use of the online platform, I couldn't learn anything. Imagine taking up Nursing as a course. No real patients, no real laboratory experiments, no hands on activities. Everything was on imagination. I'm honestly worried I won't be a competent nurse my future patients could trust. Even though everything is online, fees still needs to be paid. It's not cheap. Considering our thriving story for this time, it's not easy. I'd even hesitate to ask for money for school purposes. I hate asking for money because I know how hard it is to earn nowadays. It's my fault for choosing this expensive course. It puts more pressure for me to do well in class. I'm emotionally unstable. I'm drained. I don't know where this path directs me. I'm tired. I want to slack off and pretend I live an amazing life.

I know we're on the same ocean in this pandemic but why do I feel like riding a paper boat lost in the ocean? Why does it feel like I'm drowning gradually and I don't even want to reach for the surface of the water? I know for myself I'm working harder than I ever did but why does it seem like I lack in many things? Where did 'me' go? Where is she?

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Forgive me for the emotional blog, I have no one to talk to. If you ever read this, thank you for spending time to listen to my story. I know you're fighting hard too! But don't fight too hard, you also need to rest.

An up vote is much appreciated! You can also resteem my story. Comment down your pandemic experiences guys! I'm all ears.