Two Steemit achievements – as minor as they might be – deserve to be acknowledged before I delve into the nitty gritty of this post. First of all, I've noticed that I have over four hundred followers (yes, most of those followers are probably random bots, but I count them nonetheless 😁) and second of all, the value of my vote is now two cents, rather than one. Naturally, this is me right now:
Leaving that nonsense to one side (hey, we all need to have a laugh sometimes, especially when we're about to discuss something heavy), today's freewrite prompt, 'mask', by @mariannewest, has tapped into something I've found myself ruminating on quite a lot recently: the loss of a dear friend in late 2016. The situation still breaks my heart, as neither I, nor any of my other friends who loved this person, ever really got a sense of closure.
This friend of mine suffered severely with depression. She constantly told us that we were better off without her: that she just wanted to disappear and leave us to enjoy our lives; that she would only drag everyone down if she remained in contact with us. We tried with all of our might to reach her, to involve her in our plans, to let her know in a myriad of ways – both big and small – that she was loved ... until eventually, she deleted all of her social media channels and stopped communicating with all of us. We have reason to believe that she changed her phone number too ... she disappeared from our lives without a trace, and I have never really gotten over it or stopped caring about her.
It's been almost two years since I last saw this person, and I have to confess that there are times when I still search through recent death notices in the area where she was last known to be living. To this day, I have never found her name in those lists (which is, of course, a relief: it gives me hope that she is still alive). Will I ever know what happened to her? I have absolutely no idea.
Could no longer contain
The fragments that lay beneath.
Of your essence
Remain in my mind
In my heart
In every joke I wish I could share
And every moment of joy
That is muted
Because of your absence.
Where you were
And why I never knew
(Why no one knew)
How to reach you
Image of fragmented glass: Colourbox