My Doubtful Pens #Freewrite

This act of writing. It has been the love of my life. It is where I go when breaking down into solo conversations doesn't ease the chattering in the back of my head. Writing helps me think. It heals whatever pain it can in it mysterious ways.

Writing has been with me since I was very young. It is how I coped through the traumatic transition from a loving mother to abusive relatives. The glue that held me together when my favourite girl passed on. I remember writing either my frustrations or poetry. There was something about sharing my pain with a blank paper.

To me, writing is breathing.

Sounds like a functional love affair, yes? Wrong. Writing is too personal for me. Since it's how I say what the tongue fails to allow past her cowardice guards. All this translates into self sabotage most of the time. If it's not fighting the amount of procrastination in my person, it's wrestling the doubts that follow every word I type.

Creating then becomes the pain that won't simply allow itself to be dissolved by my insane passion. Being that I am also very selfish with my happiness as it's percentage is the lowest in the emotions' chart; this complicates things even further. I can't produce happy content without digging for a bit of joy.

Here is to dark writings.

My procrastination never starts big. It's always why don't I write after watching this or reading that. It starts with just a wasted hour cruising online unsure what exactly I am looking for. Then an hour of arguing with my children over some ridiculous thing. Another into something that just crops up from nowhere. Another goes into managing whatever chaos that came up in my mind.

Until I push the writing to another day.

This has me worrying about taking it on professionally. I feel like I can't afford the discipline that it comes with. I am the most random writer I know. I write when my soul allows me to share. Forcing myself only adds to the trash bin on my gadgets as nervousness has a way of taking away the juicy part. I can't write when I am nervous or in a rush.

That's why I am yet to be a participating part of the available writing communities here. Other than feeling like I am not good enough or a fraud who can't really write, I am not structured to follow the rules that apply in these communities. I am working on it but to be honest I don't know how.

What I mean is...

How do I write from a single word? Everyday? I am envious of those who do as my pens are still stuck in the darkest of spaces. I have no power to summon their skills but pain or anything overwhelming can. And I rarely let out that I overwhelmed so it's never easy. That's why I disappear for days.

I am now challenging myself to take on my reluctant pens. Challenging myself that in the coming year, I will fight to post these different worlds that keeps cropping up in my head. That I won't hold back. And that I will release a fair amount of doubts to the ever present wind.

PhotosForYou/Pixabay.

Do you think I can hack this? As I desperately want to :)

Cross Published.

BQ.