On Hating One's self.

in freewrite •  last year  (edited)

The kettle screams.
Grounds are soaked and brewed.

Sounds of pouring liquid, followed by the gentle sharpness of metal lightly rebounding off ceramic, complete a relaxed atmosphere.

Have you ever failed yourself?
Have you ever found yourself to be so disapointed by the choices you have made over time that have brought you to a point of personal darkness?




The rich aroma of coffee mixes with the soft sent of a fresh bouquet bathing in the diffuse glow of a midday dreary.



Have you?
Is it painful for you to recall that particular circumstance?
Standing in the light of a rainy spring day with a head-space of doubtful hopefulness, I invite you to reflect on possibly your own experience. If you don't have an experience quite like what I described, maybe you are at least familiar with how one might deal with such a thing. Such a thing as self loathing.

It doesn't have to be a darkness to lurk through, or to be daunted by.
But it can be.
And is.

It's an interesting thing to hate yourself. Or maybe it's not really yourself you hate, rather the situation you have found yourself to be in.
It just so happens that you are solely the cause of your... experience.
Experience is all we have in the end. You are in control of yours, and I mine. So who do we have to hate for an experience we have such a feeling for?

It's not an easy thing to take blame for hurting yourself in such a way, it's as painful as what you have already inflicted.
By chance, with the right help from...whatever you happen to call the beautiful thing, event, person or, hell, religious experience; You become aware of some light at the end of that dark.
It will never change the past, you know that, but it can save you from simply feeling sorry for yourself.
Take in the little things in life as you live day to day towards a solution. Stepping-stones to a lighter path to help heal and forgive.

Don't forget who you need to forgive.

Don't forget who's forgiving you.

There is no sense in feeling bad for yourself. At least not for too long, it becomes a waste of energy dispite being something to come back to every now and again. Almost like an old frienemy that is always part of your life.

Have a fresh cup with me. Enjoy the day.
Breathe.
Reflect.
Meditate.




Sorry, no creamo. I find this powdered stuff to do well enough.



Things can become so confused.

They can feel like they will get away from you.






To the point of boiling over! Sometimes it does.








And then:
Calm.
Remember this too shall pass. As much as life can be stormy, chaotic or just miserable, it can also be pleasent, beautiful and happy. With a touch of stirring things up a bit. You know, for tits and tickles.






So dunk yourself a cookie.











And maybe another one.








And enjoy the smaller things in life.


Remember that we are all mearly specks.
Doing this, doing that, and really just
Bumbling around on a mossy rock.
A little mossy rock wildly flying
Hurtling it's blind way through the void.

We've made it this far.

Haven't we?


If you stayed through the whole thing, I thank you.

Thank you for stopping by my little spot here on the rock, it was good to have you for a visit. Why don't you toss some loose change in my jar there, if it pleases ya? And don't neglect to spread word of this little spot to people you know, and the ones you don't. And of course feel free to follow along and see what comes of this blog o' mine.

T'would tickle me so.

Cheers,
Speck.

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