rote — freewrite

For some reason this prompt made me think of a piece of writing I wrote back in university ..

(my 5 minute freewrite from today is at the bottom)

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circa 2016:

Back at school: I can't stop eating cheese-crackers and smiling at boys. Both habits make me nauseous. . .

Dr. MacCurdy wants to know my "process": why I write, who I am, how I got here, where I'm going?

I'd tell her - I would - my demons aren't too shy to express themselves. I'd finish this assignment and explain all the ways that "I write because I have to":

I'm so 'scatterbrained', 'lost-in-thought'. I'm never 'absent-minded'. I can't look unoccupied in a crowd. I don't have a "resting bitch face" because my face is never resting; I fake phone calls. I take my hair down- in order to look more relaxed - I check my texts but never email - god forbid I get another email - I reload instagram feeds on airplane mode - I put my hair back up. I pretend to be reading sometimes. . . why wouldn't I just actually read?

During this time my brain is all over the "fucking" place, focusing for a brief moment on what "thinking face" I should wear in preparation for my bus-ride-long consumption of every-other-thing-that-isn't-my-thinking-face-worth-analyzing. I write down brainwaves in order to avoid their crashing onto rocks and washing back away; I write to elongate the pre-crash process by holding onto one thought long enough to swell. I'm incapable of that "process" in my head.

I think too fast. I write to slow it down.

I'd tell her this. I will -- as soon as I recover from the most cringe-worthy bit of proper grammar that I've encountered in a while: "none of the crayons in this box is blue".

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5 minute freewrite:

I like to read in public, or at least I like to look like I’m reading. I’ve learned that people don’t really care if you are interested in your book, so if they feel like it, they strike up conversation. I read in public NOT because I want someone to strike up conversation, but rather because I want to appear “okay”
Not lost
Not confused
So aware of where I am and where I’m going
That I need pay no attention to the stops,
not in need of conversation,
Fully entertained
Content with self,
Plus, i like to read,
I like it better than music or tv or really anything
Aside from writing
But now it’s a sort of muscle memory
Taking out my book
Or doodling at the bar when I’m alone.
I’m also very good at all the jobs I regularly do
But they are also automatics
It’s interesting to see what happens
When I switch up the routine.

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Inspired by: https://steemit.com/freewrite/@mariannewest/day-578-5-minute-freewrite-tuesday-prompt-rote

xx Monique