Pecan -5minutefreewrite

For https://steemit.com/freewrite/@mariannewest/day-725-5-minute-freewrite-tuesday-prompt-pecan

Pecan she can
Peek an

Pecan pie. Billy Crystal. Oh, Billy Crystal. I had sometimes thought that if my father weren’t so wonderful, I’d want Billy Crystal to be him, but I knew I could never wish to not have my father be my father. He’s so wonderful. But now he’s dead. So maybe Billy Crystal wants to be my father, maybe. It’d be nice. Plus, both Mr. Crystal and my Dad are short men, so I’ll already know how to hug him.

Geez. Sometimes it just feels like another fact, sometimes it feels surreal, sometimes it feels like a nightmare. I don’t know how I even want it to feel. I don’t want to feel used to this idea that my dad, my actual dad, is dead. He’s-

Ugh.

I feel like I don’t want to be truly aware of it. But, how much is that true of… oh. Oh, yes. It’s like that. That’s useful. Sorry, I just realized, it’s a feeling like the truth of homelessness. I know it’s real. I know that I am, alone, powerless against the awfulness of it, and so, while I never forget that it’s true, I sometimes forget that I have feelings about it. And sometimes it overwhelms me. And not always when I expect. It just feels like this awful fact about the world, that if I want to live my life and find joy in it anymore, I have to just sequester sometimes. There’s no consolation for the fact. I can’t find someway to make it better. The best I can do is not think about it. But to stay healthy and grounded, I have to think about it sometimes, even though it’s painful.

Oh boy.