Hm ... that's almost impossible to answer.
Everything and nothing can happen.
Bit I give it a try - by telling how my man and I approached each other:
He actively courted me, even for quite a long time (and I let it happen). Only after many hours of friendship did I realize that he could be more than just a friend. But even then it was not crystal clear for me. Every day things can develop differently. So I didn't actively fall in love with him out of my own mind, but only felt in love with him after a while. At some point, after I had decided in favour of him and only years after the first crises and difficulties in finding our way, we found out that we were ready to see the best in each other.
The chance to see the best in each other could then almost result in considering any man who makes some noticeable effort to show that he is interested in a serious relationship as an option. If we develop the gift of actively discovering and promoting the strengths and good in others, we will be able to deal better with the weaknesses and missing interfaces. Whether someone is a Gold Nugget really depends on how much gold I want to mine.
But of course I also want to say that from the beginning there was something between my man and me that created a connection. This is still active and is seen by both of us. I know that I need a man at my side with whom I can talk. There are women who don't attach so much importance to good and rich conversations. They flourish more in the relationship when there is a common activity (work in the house, in the garden, projects, with material things etc.) The kind of exchange on a verbal level - if that is important to you - would perhaps be an indicator of whether it is likely that gold will remain gold. In the beginning everyone likes to talk. That's why it's not easy to rely on what the initial encounters are like. You need time to get to know each other anyway.
So I would say: Everything comes into question initially: speed dating just like other forms of getting to know each other and places where people cross paths.
What are you saying? :-) Have I made it more difficult?
edit: on a very deep level I'd say the things people in an intimate relationship choose to see in each other are so powerful even others start to see the quality which was formerly not matured but got to full maturation during an encouraging relationship. I think people start to behave the way we want to see them - this can take a positive as well as a negative way. When we feed our dark and evil sides we tend to become the selfish beings we dislike. But speaking in good tones and seeking for the positive qualities can indeed change not only the relationship but the whole system around. That's why talking behind ones back to friends or family members is such an important issue. I realized that I myself should talk about my people way less critical and should emphasize much more often their good qualities. ...
Sorry, I got really carried away. I am in kind of an emotional state as I became grand-aunt today. The baby and mother are well!
I like it when you get carried away with your responses, Erika!
Congratulations on the new baby! Wow! Babies are so precious :)
Very good points you make here in letting things evolve as they will and see what happens--giving those who are actively pursuing a relationship a chance. I do think he'd be the type to help around the house/yard and with projects, probably pretty stable, but it was the conversation we had that didn't seem that deep. Of course it was the first, but I didn't get the feeling he was a complex thinker and for me too, the conversation and ability to talk about more than surface is important to me. That is where I am worried that I would hurt him. That he is a nice guy, but knowing myself, I won't be happy without the reciprocated talks surrounding the kind of topics people like you and I engage in.
I've never done the speed dating, just read about how people can usually tell within a few minutes whether or not there's potential and it seems a good way to sift through a room full of potential suitors :) And, this thought came to my mind when my first response is just to let him know I'm not feeling that interested after our conversation, but as you've mentioned, I realize it doesn't have to be immediate and I really don't know him.
I have learned and agree with you that it's not a good thing to talk about our mates behind their backs--especially when we are frustrated or reveal their deficits because family and friends don't forget, even when we forgive, or revise, or move on.
I do feel I owe him a response sooner than later, but still feeling wishy-washy.
Perhaps, what I really fear is my ability to keep a boundary and speak my truth if I have dated him and then decide I am not interested. I really don't like hurting people's feelings and if he starts to like me and there is more time invested and I then say, no, I am going to walk away, it will hurt more than an initial rejection. That so many times after accepting a date with lukewarm feelings and going through the awkwardness of ending it, I have thought, "Geez, I knew I really wasn't that into him right at the beginning."
Perhaps, I just need to change my attitude towards dating? Some find it fun and I find it anxiety producing~
Thanks for your help.
I find dating difficult per se. Without necessarily wanting to, we tend to look at people like objects. Basically, it would be nice if one could outwit oneself and simply be interested in a friendship without having sexual or financial considerations and expectations. Once sex is in play, it changes the whole process of a friendship beginning. It has become almost impossible for me to consider myself as the young woman I once was, who placed so much emphasis on the erotic aspect of a relationship. After that it was the family, I really wanted to start a big patchwork family after my marriage broke up. All these temporary wishes and expectations are gone now and I don't really mourn them anymore. Inside, I think if I really wanted it that way, I would have done a lot more for it than I actually did. It seems that I preferred an independent life and found a certain distance between myself and my man good. Sometimes I accused myself of making it too easy for myself and considering myself selfish. Then again I thought that we live in a world where individuality dominates.
When you decide you want to feel close to someone and get to know a man. Is it really the case that you hurt the other when you tell him that you don't want an intimate relationship with him? Isn't friendship possible just like with other women? Why do you have to go your separate ways when it turns out that you like each other, but you don't enter into sexual and financial relationships with each other? I think we sell ourselves too cheap if we arrange to meet and then say to each other after a few dates that we are not interested.
I myself don't want to be considered by the opposite sex in such a way that I am only a worthy friend if the relationship goes ahead in all respects. If men and women just check each other out from the start, evaluate their value and then find they are not good enough, then we are like objects in a supermarket shelf.
I think an interest is something organic. When I get to know a man, for example, in his profession, see what he deals with, what his hobbyhorse is, and we find each other through this interest in something, there is a chance that an organic relationship will begin to grow. I therefore believe that it is wise to turn to one's own field of interest and not to be interested in each other but in the object of our common interest.
In fact, I think that if, for example, I am an archaeologist and a man I work with is a photographer of archaeological sites, then this common interest would let us find each other. Because we don't look at the man but at what he is passionate about.
... Oh, it's really complicated. I don't know if I could make myself understood?
You really address very deep and complex topics.
Yes, a complicated place.
Like you, I don't want to be disregarded as a not-wanted object on the grocery shelf, nor do I want to only have relationships with men based on sex or position or any other objectification.
Actually, your response helps me to understand that this man I wrote about, who is nice enough, but I did turn down in getting to know one another better, probably felt this way to me because in some way I sensed he was approaching me in this objectifying and projectionist way?
Coincidentally, I have been writing much back and forth with another man who is friends with my brother and we are planning to meet in a couple of weeks. With him there are common interests, honesty about our complex lives and thought's and the shared understanding that first we will see about being friends and if something else is born of that great and if not, that is fine too.
All looses it's edge and is not so anxiety producing when we enter in the same way. This other man just saw me on the street, no knowledge of me other than his perhaps being attracted and....?
As I grow older I am not as lost w/o a partner right by my side as I was when I was younger. I can find plenty of interesting things to fill my time and I do have four children too ;) But, I still would like a significant other in which to share both physical and emotional intimacies with. I used to believe that meant sharing house, but do like how you've described your relationship as just fine maintaining your own places and also a few of my friends and siblings agree with this approach. I really do want to remain open and at the same time be true to myself and my own values and, you are right, dating can be difficult!
Now, I have been sitting too long and MUST get off my butt,
Kimberly