The Light that Saves

emms (48)in #freewrite • 6 years ago

In the first few times that my depression hit hard, I couldn't get out of bed. This thing that I was feeling was new, and I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't know how to escape the sadness so I just didn't. I didn't feel anything and so I tried to become nothing, I laid in bed and became numb to everything in the outside world. A few years goes by with my mind slowly taking over my body, I had officially become accustomed to the feeling. I had been that way for so long I didn't know anything else. I was comfortable.

In the midst of this sadness, my mom tried everything. She tried medication, essential oils, meditation, working out, any cure that she could come up with to bring back her little girl. After the doctors tried and tried to find the right medicine for me and the counseling sessions had all but failed, I thought that she would give up. However, instead of doing that, my mother would walk into my room and open a window. Every time I couldn't leave my room, she would do this. And without fail, for however many days it took until I would get up and join the rest of the family, she would open the window. This little thing that she did for me doesn't seem like a lot, and if I'm honest I had been pretty annoyed at her for it. Opening the window seemed like a hassle to me. It didn't really need to be done, so why would she even bother?

It was the light, I realized. It was the light that she was trying to bring back into my life. It was the light that she hoped would help me. Maybe she thought that if she brightened my room it would brighten my eyes or maybe she just opened the windows so I wouldn't feel so alone and in the dark.

In a way, I do believe that the light helped me. I began looking and watching the outside world while the windows were open and I would look at the grass and the trees and the neighbors who walked their dogs, I would watch the kids that lived next door play tag and create side walk art with chalk. Slowly, I wanted to join them. I wanted to live a happily with them as well and I wanted to be out in the sun, in the light. It took awhile to even leave my room but once I did, I felt a little better about myself. Everyone was shocked when I went out into the backyard to swing. I would go and watch my sister play and as strange as it sounds just being outside for a few minutes in the fresh air and sun helped me.

To this day, I will always open my window. If the sun is out, the curtains are drawn. I've learned to love the natural light and everything that it brings and I've learned to look forward to waking up in the mornings so I can open my window and greet the new day with a smile even if it's hard. I've learned to go outside, and just be. To just be, and to breath. To just be, and to love each day and the light that it brings.