What (or who) is holding me back?
Duh, it's myself
Okay, so that's a very over-simplified answer. It's probably an answer many of us came up with when we began reflecting on this #freedomchallenge. We could all probably delve a little deeper and say that we have fear of various things that hold us back.
I am definitely no exception
I am - I have been - constantly living in fear of losing control
I'll share the realization I had here, in case you want to stop reading early on:
You can't lose something you never had in the first place
Seems pretty obvious, but seems so deep, right?
Ages and ages ago, when I was 20 and attending community college, I was living on my own in an apartment. I went to school full time, I worked full time, I stayed up late & smoked a little pot. Didn't drink much, got good grades, had a decent amount of friends that I trusted and a lot of boyfriends who came and went. Didn't have debt. Didn't have a whole lot of worries, other than ... honestly, now that I try to remember, I don't think I really had any worries. There was no concern about politics or GMO's or organic food. I just made sure the rent was paid & I had my scholarship to finish up school so that I could transfer out.
One night after coming home from work, I was raped. There was this guy who had come into work several times before that. He was super cute (is that weird to admit about your rapist, decades after the fact?), and we chatted every time he came in. My birthday was coming up and I was having people over to the apartment. I invited this guy - told him the address, date and time to come on over.
He showed up a day early.
I let him into the apartment.
And he didn't stop when I asked.
And he didn't stop when I told him to.
that's the feeling of losing control
Pretty much ever since then, I've been obsessed with the need to control as much as I can in my life - with an attempt to control other people. Which is something you absolutely can't do.
People don't like being controlled
No shit, right?
I still tried, and every time time I failed.
As a manager at work, I can set guidelines, but I can't control if people follow them.
As a friend, I can try to control situations by planning gatherings & stuff, and many times this can be an acceptable coping mechanism.
In a marriage - ha! Y'all, oh please. Control totally doesn't work in a marriage. Neither does gas lighting, guilt, or co-dependency (which were all responses to me, from my almost-former spouse, in retaliation to my control issues). Yup, going through a divorce right now. That's a whole 'nother couple of stories in themselves.
So what can I control?
I can't even control myself completely!
But! BUT! There's the freedom!
Recognizing where the failure will come, and saving myself from that feeling.
I can control my outward reactions while still honoring, and then letting go of, the immediate feelings I may have in a situation.
Sure, I can be frustrated with a person, with a circumstance. I can choose to handle it with grace and patience, and not look like a big old jerk. I can still have that knee-jerk "OMG THIS IS SO NOT FAIR" though in my head .... and then it passes.
I was chatting with a friend a while ago, who is also going through a divorce. She kept telling me that I needed to feel, I needed to work through the emotions as they come. That I shouldn't compartmentalize stuff. She's more of a person who moves into, against, with her emotions as they come through. They dance together, however awkward it may be.
I totally don't do that.
And that's fine. We can be friends, and be different.
I found the above image on instagram last night - that's the synchronicity of late. Things show up when I need them, as I was having some serious thoughts about this post for the last couple of days.
When I had my breakdown in 2009-2010, I saw a therapist who focused on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy . She was incredible, and I learned so much from her.
Before I moved a couple of weeks ago, I found some CBT Worksheets online, and printed them out in case the need came to use them. It hasn't yet, and I have them if they are needed.
You can't lose something you never had in the first place
So what do I have?
- an opportunity each morning to start over
- the choice to smile at people as we pass each other
- healthy food in the house, and minimal junk food
- love, kindness, awareness, patience for myself
- love, patience, understanding the battles that others may have
Thank you to @sagescrub for these prompts. You can learn more here and read other responses.
Hi @twinislandflames, thank you for joining the #FreedomChallenge!
I appreciate you trusting us with such a personal story. My heart goes out to you for the suffering that you endured and the challenges that you are facing today. It takes a lot of strength to find positive outlooks from a negative emotion or situation and you are characterizing so much of that strength, in this post and in your decisions. Thank you also for quote image, it also resonated with me... slowing down, breathing and looking at the big picture is usually always easy when its needed most (for me), therefore definitely worth the practicing.
thank you for providing these thought-inducing subjects! <3
Beautifully said. Being able to step outside ourselves in critical moments is a challenge. We are all works in progress and our journeys, however similar are not similar at all. These truths are for each to discover in their own way. You have courage in your heart. You will be fine. :)
i have lots of courage, i am finding out! thank you for reading <3
Powerful post - Wordsbroke...
thank you, friend <3
The most difficult thing to learn is that the only person you can control is you. Since you can't control others, stop trying. Develop a hide like a rhinoceros. Let hurtful words bounce off. They are only what others may think and they are entitled to their opinions. They are not yours, so they carry no value to you. It took me a lot of years to work through this...
... and we will always be improving! thank you for sharing your thoughts <3
This was quite the ride! You wrote it so well and shared so honestly. Even though I just met you I feel proud of you. The focus on what you can control that you've developed is a really huge accomplishment.
Followed and resteemed.
thank you! i was nervous posting it - mostly because it was way more stream-of-consciousness than i'm used to putting out there.
happy that we found each other! <3
Me too! I find that sometimes when I'm nervous about posting something that's when I get the warmest response. Maybe because other people are also nervous about similar topics and your willingness to share helps carve a path for them to share as well.