I remember it like it was yesterday. In reality, it was four days ago.

There I was at 8:45 AM, 33 years old and sitting in a wet puddle in nothing but my tattered, overstretched briefs, surrounded by all of my neighbors. They had come to watch, awestruck, morbidly curious at my predicament. I felt their eyes upon me, like syringes of judgment, piercing through the thick layer of adipose that I had allowed to congeal over what had once been a functional, healthy human body.

I looked down at my hands. They felt heavy, heavier than normal. What I saw astounded me. Thick, cracked crust of mud and german chocolate cake formed a layer around them. My first instinct was to lick them clean, as I had a hundred times before. It was those critical eyes, though, that made me hesitate. I still did it, but I definitely hesitated. I tasted dirt, cocoa, caramelized coconut frosting... and shame.

I don't remember how I got there, and I did not ask any of the assembled neighbors what they had witnessed before I regained consciousness in that puddle. In that moment, I knew two things. The first: where could I get more german chocolate cake?

PICTURED: German Chocolate Cake

The second: perhaps something was wrong.

Since I was just a boy I was an eater. Whatever I could fit into my mouth, I fit into my mouth. Cakes, cookies, croissants, crullers, kolaches, crunchy Cheetos, what have you. I was a human garbage disposal - or so I thought. A garbage disposal has the benefit of being emptied periodically. Instead, I was filling up. By the age of 6, I was 500 pounds. By the age of 7, I was 1000 pounds. By the age of 10, blimp pilots were tying ropes around me to prevent their craft from drifting off into the open sky.

PICTURED: Blimp

I had always known that I had a problem. My parents told me; my peers told me; my doctors told me; my dog told me that time one time that I ate a ham glazed with brown sugar and LSD. But I wouldn't accept it, I just couldn't. As I grew into adulthood, I refused to change. It wasn't simply that, though - it was a strong, honest belief that there was nothing that could save me. NOTHING was going to make me a human again.

And so, I kept waddling down that path. Eventually, I was being carried down that path in a wheelbarrow, pushed my day laborers that my nurses hired once I became too large for even them to push. Each inch I traveled, each labored breath Jose and Miguel would heave as they rolled me through the Jack in the Box drive-through, was just another marker on my journey to an early grave. Each Jumbo Jack with extra ranch dressing a nail in the roll-off dumpster that would have to serve as my coffin. I felt that there was no hope, so I didn't nothing to change.

Until that day I found myself staring back at my neighbors, half-nude and crusted in a sludge of Teutonic confection. As Jose and Miguel scrambled to hoist me into the wheelbarrow, I knew that that would be the day everything changed.

That was the day I took back control of my life.

That was the day I discovered BitCheese.

LEFT: Me four days ago. RIGHT: Me today.

From the moment I heard about BitCheese, I knew it would change the world. I didn't know how much it would change MY world until the moment I talked about it with my doctor.

He told me not to do it.
He said the health risks were too high.
He said that he had never heard of BitCheese, and that I was probably making it up.

Instead of heeding his advice, I threw caution to the wind. When Jose and Miguel had wheeled me back up the staircase, I immediate began to mine the BitCheese that would become my very first bite of the food that saved my life.

BitCheese mining process (Source: Unknown location, Harbin, China)

Over the course of four days, I ate nothing but BitCheese. I ate it as quickly as my computer could mine it. I could feel it encrypting its way down my gullet with every gulp, transmitting individual cells of fat to the blockchain, where it would be stored forever - away from my body.

I remember looking in the mirror on day 3. That morning, I woke up, and set my feet onto the floor under my own power - the first time I had done so since I was 3 years old. I could barely recognize myself in the mirror. What had once been a gelatinous orb of human gravy now stood the early stages of a modern day Adonis.

I decided to see if anyone else had followed this program and had seen results. When I searched online, I was amazed to see that I was not alone. Just look at these testimonials from others who finally took control of their lives through BitCheese:

"It's like I'm a whole different person. In fact I think I might be less persons than I was just a few days ago."Tammy Manflaps, 42, Reporter

"As far as significant innovations in human history go, I would put BitCheese between indoor plumbing and the Sasha Grey Fleshlight.""Fleshlight" Chet Goldenhose, 38, School Bus Driver

"Someone ought to tell that fat fuck Cantwell aboot this stuff, eh."Jeff Berwick, ??, #2 White Rapper in Canada

So there you are. Don't take my word for it. BitCheese will change everything.

It changed my life.

Will it change YOUR life, too?

• • WARNING: Results may vary. BitCheese has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. It may just make you shit yourself to death in public. That'd be a fuckin' embarrassing way to go. Any time someone brings you up in conversation, that'll be the story they tell. BitCheese also probably isn't real. Probably. Anyway, you're not cool enough for BitCheese anyway.