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An Original Schteinn Science Report

~Sixth Edition~

Brought To You By: Schteinn School of the Sophisticated Sciences -- Home Economics Department -- The Laundry Research and Further Home Development Laboratories

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Oh Yes -- THIS Should Be Easy To Organize Into A Nice Rectangle

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Findings:

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A Monster Of A Different Sort -- The Fitted Sheet Bunchoid

Sitting Atop A Finely Folded Fitted-Sheet

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In our last Schteinn Science Report (03-08-2018), we discussed the standard, bedroom fitted sheet, and their odd relationship to the annoying footwear thief, the Sock Gremlin [ From The Dryer Part I: The Sock Gremlin's Got Nothin' On The Fitted Sheet Monster]

In today's cutting edge Science Edition: From The Dryer Part II, we will discuss the joys of folding and putting away a standard fitted sheet, after the laundry process is complete.

The @generikat Inspired Sheet-Folding Factor 9.0

This whole postage idea was brought up by my good friend, the ever-effervescent, Stupendiferous Steemit Storyteller, @generikat. (If you are not familiar with her works, you really should go check her out. She's very funny indeed.)

Something she mentioned in a recent post really piqued my interest pi-qua-té, after she alluded to this problem concerning fitted sheets. The whole folding-up thing. If you are so inclined to neatly store away your freshly-laundered bedding, this post is for you. Because these things are a royal PAIN in the south-end to deal with.

O-Ri-Sheeta-Gommi ~ A Mess Just Waiting To Happen

Have you ever tried to fold a fitted sheet? Into something resembling a square? All I can say is..."Good Luck"! Heck, I'd settle for a lumpy rhomboid, if I could arrange one.

And though I've never actually discussed laundry with any of the paper artists on Steemit, such as the intricate Origami fold-specialist @enternamehere, I'm pretty sure many of them would agree, folding a piece of paper into a multi-legged Octopod is child's play, when compared to trying to bend and crease a fitted sheet into something resembling a stack-able rectangle.

No matter HOW hard you try, these odd-shaped bed covers end up looking like a conglomeration of cloth with a few, nondescript edges. And as for stacking them together? Ha!! I don't think one of those old-school, New England natural-stone wall-builders could stack more than two of these things into anything resembling a column.

They just always seem to end up in a messy pile, like something @ocrdu's celebrated commentorial Piglet would schnuffle-schnort about in, searching for editorial truffles.

Designed By A Third Grade Science/Home Ec Class

The very nature of these odd, springy, 4-corner nightmares, designed to hold fast to the bed, are pretty much guaranteed to bunch into balls of fabric larger than a Volkswagen, when you try to manipulate them into a square.

These things are downright IMPOSSIBLE to crease and fold. At least into any mathematically explainable shape of final being. No corners, no concise folds, not a straight edge to be found anywhere. Just a big old bunched-up ball of multi-colored fabric.

And if you use FLANNEL sheets? As I do. Those things are even WORSE. They're thicker, and have a Coefficient of Folding Friction of about 7000 to 1. Which, for the less Scientifically inclined out there, is NOT a good thing. And once "folded", putting them away requires a whole closet shelf, just to themselves. Some very selfish household bedding indeed.

Great Idea #47: The Ronco®- Vacu-Packed ~ Modified Trash Compactor ~ Fitted-Sheet Compress-A-Matic System

While recently perusing some highbrow, late night TV, I came up with an absolutely brilliant idea to help in this folding dilemma. Why not SQUISH them into behaving properly?

After midnight, The Shopping Channel sells tons of those vacuum-seal compress packets, designed to 'pressure seal' your clothes into a tight little bundle. Using a vacuum system. Kind of like when you buy an ocean-caught Salmon fish right off the boat at the docks.

Why not buy a box of those special bags, and vacuum-smash the smithereens out of the fitted sheet, down into a compact brick. Might take a bit more than your run-of-the-mill Hoover to do it, but all things ARE possible. That's why Sears sells a 6.0 amp Shop Vac. For the BIG jobs. Like corralling an UN-cooperative fitted sheet.

And since our sheet will STILL be way too big and bulky and oddly shaped to do anything WITH, we next need to find a used trash compactor at the Goodwill. Once you've vacuum-packed your sheet, toss it into the kitchen compactor, and let a few extra thousand pounds per square inch have a go at our wonky, fitted bundle.

Maybe THEN it will be small and square enough to actually stack and deal with. Think of a very colorful, oddly shaped cement block of springy plastic. Pressed into an ultra-dense death trap.

I can just see all the mayhem involved in this project now. When it's time to use the sheet, you have to cut the package open with your handy Barlow knife. Remember, this thing is under ENORMOUS pressure. Like At The Bottom Of The Ocean enormous. Certain bad injury or worse is guaranteed, when that tight, overly-compressed sheet-baggy-thing finally lets loose with that first cut.

Somehow, I don't think this idea would pass any of the OSHA Approved Laundry-Day Safety Standards.

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Onward-To A More Useful Suggestion

The Cotton-Candy Arm Roll Spin-'N-Wrap -- Problem Not SOLVED -- But Heavily Alleviated

Back to the old drawing board. I gave up long ago on this whole "Fold The Fitted Sheet Properly" thing. And once I quit putting so much mental energy and lost sleep into this major life struggle, I've discovered a new way to deal with this sheet folding dilemma. And actually feel pretty good about it.

I call it the Arm Roll Spin-'N-Wrap method of fitted sheet fold-age. When you take the fitted sheet off the line, or out of the dryer, just tightly roll it up onto your out-stretched arm. Kind of like those cotton candy machines at the County Fair.

Spin it around into a tight 'little' cylinder, pull it off your arm and over your hand like a giant, colored TP tube, then put it away as a 'roll'. This allows you to store your sheets as a bunch of tube-shaped entities, much like spent nuclear fuel rods, or stacking fancy cigars in a box. You can fit bunches of them onto a shelf, and they are easier to retrieve back OFF the shelf, when it's time to do battle with the bed.

How Is A Flannel Sheet Like An Airplane Wing? And Why Do They Always Fall Off The Shelf Onto My Head?

Getting fitted flannel sheets OUT of the closet is particularly hard, because flannel sheets have that high Coefficient of Friction we discussed earlier. They're a real bear to 'slide past' one another on a closet shelf. There is often a massive landslide of sheets onto your waiting head, when one sheet is pulled out from the lower reaches of the stack.

Let's face it, this stuff is like Velcro. Big, colorful Velcro. I once read that you could actually attach a wing onto an airplane with Velcro, if the only forces you had to deal with were the side-to-side, shear stresses. The stuff is actually strong enough in the horizontal direction to hold a wing on a plane.

Which is exactly what your flannel fitted sheets are doing, when you try to slide one 'flat' sheet bundle past another on the shelf. They all come out together, like they're best friends standing at their cars in The Pancake House parking lot on a late, Sunday night, who don't want to leave each other after a grand weekend out.

So why even TRY the standard, flat-stack method with these goofy sheets?

By performing the Arm Roll Spin-'N-Wrap, your problem is solved once and for all. No muss, no fuss, no avalanche of sheets onto your waiting noggin. Just an efficient, finely-tuned, finely-tubed, fitted sheet put-away system. Just waiting for you to 'pull' at the correct time, and put onto the bed.

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Demonstration: The Arm Roll Spin-'N-Wrap

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Scientific Note Of Interest: I am wearing a fleece sweatshirt in the picture above. This is for demonstration purposes only! It was a bit chilly that day, during wrap example and photography. This process works MUCH better with bare arms.

Once again, that Coefficient of Sheet Friction is a problem with any type of cloth that would be considered 'sticky', when the sheet is wrapped up on the arm. Sometimes you just have to think ahead, in the world of household tips and laundry dynamics.

Good luck in your fitted sheet folding endeavors, and I hope this new trick helps out.

Try it, you just might like it.

~ Finto ~

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~ STAY TUNED ~

Soon we'll have another riveting article on further laundry problems-in:

From The Dryer - Part III: The Sock Bola -or- All About Hidden Sock-Stuffers

_{Thanks to the very talented James DeRosso of Monster8all, for creating the Fitted Sheet Bunchoid Monster. The one standing on the fitted sheet up there (↑ ). He is a very talented clay monster artist from the Northwest. (James, not that Monster.) I have many of his creations ( :}

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Thanks for stopping in and viewing the wonderful world of the (theoretical) Folded Fitted Sheet. If you have any thoughts about Fitted Sheet Origami, new Arm-Tube methods of rolling your sheets, any OTHER ideas you might have on how to solve this laundry day dilemma, or anything else this post reminds you of, please feel free to comment away in the spaces below. I'd love to hear from you.

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-[OFFICIAL PRESS CREDENTIAL HERE]-

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_{A huge shout-out from the Freelance Reporter's cardboard holler-horn goes out to the amazing @ocrdu for creating this marvy little identification credential for The Schteinn Science Report. Not only is it ultra-cool, but it allows me to poke about into databases and other larger places I'm probably not supposed to be. Though that IS the point of this on-the-edge, razor-sharp Science reportáge.}

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Please UPVOTE, COMMENT and FOLLOW if you enjoy my works.

And go to @ddschteinn -- There's a whole lot more...

_{Posted: 03/14/2018 @ 11:45}

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Excerpts From Late-Night Conversations With A Mechanical Cat

Fact Number 47