Kayla
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6 years ago in #finishthestory by tristancarax (66)
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Nice interrogation tactics! I love the nicknames especially scramble for Thomas. The question is, would they have really buried the poor man alive had he not agreed to sign?
I wanted to go psycho killer on this one. You know, getting little more gruesome. Couldn't figure out home to make that work.
I'm thinking of "Dick Tracy," and someone getting the "bath" after signing the papers. Creepy ends await.
Ooh I usually try to avoid horror but after @dirge’s Halloween competition I’m more open to the topic.
I think you managed just the right amount of psycho and by implying that they were hoping to bury the guy alive is more gruesome than if you had gone into detail, sometimes you have to let the readers imagination work it’s magic.
Jeez, fiction that isn't all too far away from the way the world works, not saying why they wanted to land is a nice touch, insert most relatable reason here ;)
Straight-up mafia tactics.
Your comment means I'm getting better at showing instead of telling. Go me - scrambling brain so that it becomes hard again - ah, fuck. haha
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This read very well. Almost felt like an installment of True Detective (HBO).
Family business, indeed. I was really glad they didn't actually kill the guy.
I'm glad you liked it.
We don't know if they killed the guy. I was thinking they'd sell the house with him under the floor boards. I did have "Dick Tracy" in mind as I wrote the last few bits.
I have to warn you, if there's a positive twist, I'll find it. In my mind... he lived :)
Great story. Went along with some of the other endings only delivered something different. Entertaining.
I was struggle to find that "family business" tie in, like I read you were as well. I had originally planned for them to be killing some people more violently, but I couldn't figure that one out.
Truly a lovely family business and what an educational experience for the little Thomas. Also this time, a kind reminder about the tenses.. if you choose the present tense, don't switch to the past and vice-versa. The reader won't feel disoriented and the reading will be smoother.
You know, I check for that and still mess up. Thanks for the observation.
You know, I check for
That and still mess up. Thanks for
The observation.
- tristancarax
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
I went back and fixed it to past tense. I may have missed one or two. bwahahaha
You understood that I wrote it just because I care.. I try to help my bananafish friends to improve. We all do that together 🤘
Good story, I love it when the kiddies learn the family biz. Hey, parts of society gotta reproduce themselves; why else to call it "bring your kid to workday" if nothing else to bring your kid along!?! I love the desert, I love the fact that there's no glossyness over this, I love the fact that they set it up just for the boy, I love how this might tie into the accident from earlier that was mentioned in the prompt, I love how... I'm sorry, I just can't continue on - I'm just to emotionally explosive and mentally sane to keep a straight head.
I wanted to bring in that "accident" but couldn't find the way to do it. The "family business" took over. I did my best this round to stick with the quick sentences.
That is a darker place to take this. It was hard to figure out what to have them doing out in the middle nowhere.
Our 43rd Edition awaits the hand of a fearless writer to complete the tale. Will you share with us an ending that only you can tell? Good luck, brave storyteller! 😎