There is a crazy amount of beautiful alliteration in the opening line alone, the language just makes it so pleasant to read, and kinda tempting to read out-loud (in an office.. with people lol)

pontificating about the Masonic porta-potties

love it! Pontificating and porta-potties needs to find their way into more setences together. Now there is a hint I didn't get, very much hope it has everyone as intrigued as me. Very glad you braved the 'opening the door ti masonic kidnappers' angle, and you did it so very well, i felt fine ignoring it lol and what a ciff hanger, very much hope they can remember that mind-(and-entire-body-)melting riff!