Thanks for the opportunity to work with you on this story, @tristancarax. I think this will be fun! And it will potentially be helpful and educational to others as well.
Here are my thoughts on your first draft. First, it's a great topic to work with in a short story. The following are some thoughts on how to improve it.
First, remember that the story must stand alone. "Backstory" that gives readers better insight into the story are great, but you don't want to rely on that for readers to understand the story. So, we need to know who the character is. Somewhere you should indicate that this story is about a baby elephant sold into slavery. You could consider telling the story in third person instead of first person. This gives you the freedom to describe the character.
I recommend that the very first line shows the reader who is speaking. I did not know until I started reading the second line that the story is in first person. When I read "Snatched at a young age," I mentally filled in "[He was] snatched at a young age."
For example, you could write, "The baby elephant remembered the day he was kidnapped and sold." This is a captivating first line. It tells us who the character is, and helps us to feel something about that character.
I don’t want to overwhelm you with too many comments. Just two more for now. I recommend that you make something happen in the now. What is the the “story” in this story? For example, he could pace a cell, longing for his mother as he remembers the past, and vow to break free. (You don’t have to use that. It’s just an example of a storyline, vs. a memory.)
Finally, I don’t recommend using a lot of semi-colons. They are a bit disruptive. Occasional use is okay, but multiple times in one story distracts from your words.
I hope that helps! I look forward to seeing your next draft!
Nice work on the next draft, @tristancarax. It’s coming along!
Here are my suggestions for further refining the story for the next draft.
The first thing is that you will want to refine your opening line. I think it’s fine in terms of being interesting and attention grabbing. But it is not a full sentence. There are times when we can add partial sentences in fiction, so this is not a hard and fast rule. But in this case it seems unintentional and a bit awkward. You might want to try a few things and check word count. But for example if you gave the elephant a name, you could write something like “Herman was snatched and sold into slavery when he was just a baby elephant.”
One edit I have is to change “lashes crushes.” Since lashes are plural you need to write “crush” instead of “crushes.”
Once you have made those edits, see how you feel about it. I wonder about the rhyming. It almost makes the story sound “cute” which may not be your intent.
Thanks for being willing to work through these edits together. You are brave! And I hope it’s helping you.
@tristancarax, the new draft is fantastic. The storyline is clear, the writing is very good, and it has the impact that I think this story deserves. Are you happy with it?
@jayna, I think if I wasn't I'd spend another hour or two go over it.
I'm happy with it.
I would like to know what you mean by a "full sentence."
Thanks for your time and I'll keep this in mind as I write in the future.
@tristancarax, thank you for your willingness to go through this editing process. It was fun, and I’d like to use it as an example, if that’s okay.
A full sentence, in its fundamental form, has two parts: a subject and a predicate. The subject is the person or thing the sentence is about, such as a person, a store or an elephant. The predicate is what happens, or is something about the subject. Examples:
Let’s say I write “Born on Tuesday.” That is not a complete sentence because the subject is missing. Who or what was born on Tuesday?
That was the issue with your first sentence in your first draft. It had no subject. I don’t see the first draft anymore, but I think the first sentence was something like “Snatched into slavery and sold into slavery.” There is no subject, so the sentence is not complete.
I hope that helps!
@jayna, of course you can use it. That was the lose-deal we had upon making this page.
I understand the the full and partial sentence. I thought it had to do with something else. Your message came on my 3rd draft of this story so I was a bit confused; however, I know my 2nd draft contain partial sentences. (I thought I could get away with it!!! haha) - all the draft are found in this post.
Ah yes, you're right! I got myself a little confused, as the first draft you submitted was your second draft. I'm all sorted out now. (By the way, I've been working from my phone while on the go. My first comments were while I was traveling in Munich. The second set were from the airport in Amsterdam. And now I'm finally home and back at work!)
Here's the sentence I was referring to:
This is not a full sentence because it lacks the verb that connects the subject to the predicate. If you said "A baby elephant was snatched and sold into the chains of slavery" it would be a complete sentence.
It's possible other grammarians would disagree with me, or provide a different explanation. People argue about grammar all the time.
But to provide a simplified example, you wouldn't say:
You need to connect the subject (the girl) to the predicate (to the store) with a verb.
The word "snatched" is something that is done to the subject, just like "sold," so it is part of the predicate. It is not the connector between the subject and predicate.
I wish I was better at explaining this stuff!
I thought you might be talking about this one and that is why I asked my question. The way that you explained it makes sense.
When I stayed in Munich, I slept next to a river. In the morning I saw naked people jumping in the river. I did the same. Being new to traveling life and having limited funds, it was my first bath in weeks. It was very cold.
When I stayed in Amsterdam, I stayed in a mail-house for about two weeks that had been taken over by a squat of people in their twenties.
It sounds like you have had some very interesting experiences in those cities!