Steemit Challenge S26-w6 : Two-timing

in #fiction-s26wk67 days ago

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In the bus where John was seated, he adjusted himself as the low hum of the vehicle reminded him of how long the ride from Sydney to Canberra would be. John's phone rang, and it was his wife, who called to check on his journey and see if everything was fine.

He reassured her warmly, but his mind drifted as a young woman, Tina, then slid into the seat beside John. She had an effortless smile, one of those smile type of smiles that broke the ice without a single words.

The bus rolled forward, and soon their conversation started. They both talked about books, cities, and random quirks of life. Time blurred three hours passed like minutes. At the time they both reached Canberra, John's heart raced with an unfamiliar excitement, a strange pull he couldn't name.

Tina turned to John, as the bus halted. Here eyes lingered for a second longer than polite. At that moment, she slipped a card into his palm with a delicate smile. "In case you want to continue the conversation," she told him. Then she disappeared into the crowd and John didn't see her.

On the pavement, John stood frozen, the card burning in his hand. John thought collided, with his wife's trusting voice still echoing in his ears, yet the presence of Tina felt intoxicating in him.

Even though she shoved the card into his pocket, John's conscience was louder than temptation. That night, as John unpacked his bag at home, the card fell out. His wife then saw the card. "What is this"? she asked with a calm voice.

John's heart skipped at that moment. He didn't know if he could lie or tell his wife the truth. He faintly smiled, tore the card in half, and replied to her, "Just a stranger I met on the bus.. But I realised the only conversation worth continuing is with you alone".

After saying that, the smile of his wife became genuine, though his own heart carried the weight of temptation narrowly escaped.

I am inviting: @Ihorgic, @jyoti-thelight, and @ruthjoe

Cc:-
@dove11

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Wow, what a captivating story! It's clear that John was drawn to Tina. What impresses me is his resolve to prioritise his relationship with his wife. A lot of men who survive this temptation will still lie at the end. They may say, "it's a random guy we discussed business in the bus" then they will dispose of it, his wife will later find it, call it out of curiosity, and it will blow back at him. His honesty nailed it. I wish the story went on an an....

That's men for you and lie is what kill relationship. Thanks for your support.

Steemit Challenge S26-w6 : Two-timing

Dear @, here is the detailed assessment of your submission:

CriteriaMarksRemarks
Story start to finish4.5/5Okay
Originality & Uniqueness2.5/3Okay
Presentation0.7/1Short
My observation0.8/1Okay
Total8.5/10

Feedback

  • Your story was too short and left much to be desired despite having a great moral value.

  • Your story lacked touch of fiction but too bookish. The story has lesser words than the required words.

Moderated by: @dove11

Thank you. Please cross-check the total score it is missing

Great! You've done justice to the prompt.

Thank you so much.

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