Snacks

It was a dark and stormy night, and she was alone. And bored – she was mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly bored. Granted, she thought as she stood in front of the kitchen cupboard door, she had brought this on herself in a way. Snacks, why were there never any snacks in the cupboard? Was it too much to ask for the small collection of nibbles to be re-stocked for times such as these? She’d have words with Jerry over this.

Speaking of Jerry, where did he say he was going? He’d mentioned something about Jews, but she couldn’t remember. He’d said it when he shouldn’t have: just as she had stopped for breath during the build up to the mother of all tantrums. He really was the worst gay roommate. Queer as a three dollar bill, but hates shopping, chatting and pretty much everything feminine. “What’s up with that?” She suddenly realised that she’d been talking the whole time. Not even Kibble was listening, but that wasn’t anything new. Kibble could not be considered a support structure at the best of times, even if you stuffed bacon in your pockets. That said, the little Yorkie was the only thing “gay” about Jerry, aside from the boys he brought home on any given Sunday.

“Screw this!”

Snacks were needed, even if it meant running down to Giorgio’s in the rain. She would not sit around feeling sorry for herself without guilt food. She’d go now, right now, even in her stay-home-pants and to hell with her hair, no one would notice, or care.

Keys, keys, keys, where were her keys? Sideboard. No. Bedroom. No. Cupboard. No. Handbag. No. God damn it. Bathroom. No. Jerry’s room. No. Sofa. No. Fridge. How did they get there? Snacks! Yes. Go time! And then the phone. Jerry’s phone. Typical.

“Jerry’s phone. What do you want?”

“Mel? Oh thank God. I was going mad with worry.”

“About what?”

“My phone honey! I was going to call Kevin to find out where the fuck he is and then I was like ehrmagerd! Mer fern! So I called to see if someone picked it up. Are you here?”

This was way too camp for Jerry. Drunk or stoned. Or both.

“No Jerry I’m not there.”

“Oh… You should come.”

“You should take it easy on the tequila.”

“Touche, how can you tell?”

“You could be shitting rainbows right now.”

“Really? It must be the wings.”

“Wings?”

“Someone gave me wings. So are you coming?”

“I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

“Oh God, is Nicky there? Did I catch you in the middle of make-up-oh-god-oh-god-it-has-been-too-damn-long sex?”

“Have a good night Jez. Your phone is safe.”

Beep.

She stood for a while, trying not to break. She was fine. She was fine. No worries, no cares, no attachments. Alone. The knot in her chest manifested as a sigh. A long one. It was all her fault. If she’d just… Just what? Paid more attention? Loved him more? Treated him better? No. She’d still have ended up here. Taking all her faults into consideration, all this pain was his doing. And she hated that. Which was why, right now, she needed snacks.

The rain was cold. Freeze-your-tits-off cold. And she had no bra. Too late now. It had taken twelve steps from the front gate to soak her all the way through. She’d just have to deal with it. She needed those snacks, or else her heart would implode. She walked through the deluge, fists and teeth clenched, with her shoulders so tense they grazed her earrings. Nick had bought them for her. She stopped on the muddy sidewalk, frozen by everything but the cold.

Suddenly the earrings were in her hands, how they got there she didn’t know. Then they were on the floor and she was jumping on them; screaming, crying and stomping with everything that she still couldn’t say bursting forth through whatever channel it could find. She picked them up and threw them with all her fury into the black.

And just like that, it stopped. The rain carried on. She was herself. Or was she new? No, she was old – her old self, her before-Nicholas self. It sucked. She sucked it up. She’d think about all this once she had snacks, her couch, dry clothes and Kibble. Priorities are important when one is in the rain.

“Ey! Bella Melanie! How you- Why you so wet? You crazy?”

Luigi had seen her as she walked in. Didn’t even give her a chance to hide.

“Where’s Giorgio?”

“He don’t work Fridays.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

“So how come you’re dripping on my floor?”

For some reason, she felt the urge to fold her arms, which she did. And just as well, Luigi had just had a whole five seconds of Girls-Gone-Wild standing in his store and he looked like he’d enjoyed it enough to start getting ideas.

“Uh, I came to get… Some things.”

“Emergency huh… You know, June’s the same. Forgets what day it is, then all of a sudden goes crazy about getting to a store to get, you know, “some things”. Done the trip so many times now, I can even tell you which brand will exactly satisfy your needs.”

“No, no, I just came to get… Snacks.”

“Wh – Snacks? You came here… In this… For snacks?”

“Pretty much.”

“You should have called! I woulda made you a basket o’ this and that, an’ delivered it to your door.”

The gold tooth in his smile was a little too much. She cleared her throat.

“No, no, it’s fine… I felt like a walk anyway.”

They both knew she was lying, but June had obviously taught Luigi a thing or two about pestering a crazed woman with rain-soaked hair, because he let her be. She ambled a bit, shivering, along the aisles. This and that turned out to be two monster size packets of Flings, some chocolate bars, a small tub of Häagen-Dasz and a half jack of whiskey (Nick hated the stuff, but it reminded her of Dad and right now, miracle of miracles, Dad was the better man.)

“84.65”

Her purse, where was her goddam purse? Here, at the brink of a (sort of) successful snack trip to the store, she’d been left high, dry and in the rain, by the absence of her ever-present purse.

“Damn it.”

“Sorry?”

“I’ve – I’ve gone and left my purse in my apartment. Can you… Watch this while I get it?”

“For you bella, anything. Go ahead. I’m not going anywhere.”

She ran home. Well… Tried to. It was more a sloppy trot than a run, but it did the job. She traced the location of her purse in her mind. Straight in and straight out, that was her plan. On the kitchen counter, the corner closest to the side board, front pouch next to her phone and spare charger. Got it. Wait, she’d left her phone too? Weird. Well at least it wasn’t getting wet now.
She reached the door and knew she was screwed. Deadbolts don’t need keys to lock, and the absence of key-shaped lumps clinging to her sodden, freezing cold body told her that she was shit-out-of-luck and locked out of her apartment. Kibble was yapping and scratching at the door.

“Shut up, you little shit!”

“But I haven’t said anything.”

She would have screamed, if she hadn’t recognized the voice. Her arms however, immediately folded themselves across her chest.

“Not you, the dog.”

“Aaah. Agreed. Shut up you little shit.”

“What are you doing here Kevin?”

“I live three doors down?”

Kevin had a talent for catching her off guard. He wasn’t stupid or anything, just utterly self-absorbed. In all the time she’d known him, (which was a long time, since he was the closest thing Jerry had to a “bestie”) he’d barely ever said more than hello and goodbye, making this the longest conversation they had ever had. That hadn’t stopped him from managing to always catch her at her weirdest, most awkward and most vulnerable. This time it was all three.

“No, sorry, I mean, Jerry called earlier looking for you.”

“Yeah, he told me. He and the twins headed to Suede after shabbas with Mickey’s family.”

“Oh…”

“Are you okay? Do you want a towel or something?”

“Wha-? No, no, I’m fine…”

She regretted saying that. She knew that he knew that she was anything but fine. She was expecting him to ask her if she was sure that she was fine. But no, instead:

“Do you want to get some coffee? Or a drink? I mean, not now, but sometime… In the future you know, when you’re not all… wet. Although maybe lat- No, no, sorry bad joke.”

“What?”

“Well I just thought, that… Well…

“What?!”

“Um… Give me a sec… I didn’t see this part in my head when I was rehearsing… What I mean is that now that you’ve been single for a while… We could –”

“Now that I’m single?”

“ – Hang out, and stuff… And…”

“Now that I’m single!?”

“…Y’know, get to know each other… Because, well…”

“NOW THAT I’M SINGLE?!”

“I’d really like to get to know y – Sorry what?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO ASK ME ON A DATE! What are you hoping for? Some rebound action? Does it matter that six years of my life went out the window three weeks ago? SIX YEARS! Do you know what six years does to someone? It makes them plan for a future. Plan a wedding, a marriage, a career. Kids even. Not now, but someday, with that person. And it’s all gone in the blink of an eye, over something as stupid as a text to the wrong person and some random girl’s status updates and photo’s. THERE WERE PHOTO’S OF HIM!!! And then it’s over, no plans, no hopes, and you’re stuck trying to figure out what to do next and some idiot who never speaks to you suddenly develops an interest because you’re single now.”

Kevin hadn’t moved the whole time. She was shaking now, not from cold, but from the sheer madness all that slowly boiling rage had released. Again, she regretted saying what she had just said, but this time because it wasn’t all smoke and mirrors and “I’m fine” all the time. She was sure she had hurt him. Not Nick, Kevin. She didn’t give a shit about Nick right now, but Kevin was just unfortunate enough to be the straw that broke the back of a very angry camel.

She was trying to discern from his eyes the extent of the damage she had done when she realized just how blue his eyes were. All of a sudden she was staring into a soul that was deep and guarded and fractured and selfless. He was thinking, and it was… beautiful. She suddenly felt nauseous.

This had to be the longest awkward silence she’d ever experienced. In truth it was just over a second. But for her it was ages and ages of trying to understand what this guy could be thinking about so intensely, so… And now she needed to pee. And then he gave her a simple, melancholy smile and said:

“Boys are stupid. Me in particular… I’ll leave you alone now.”

And he did just that. She watched him go, wondering why on God’s green Earth, he was walking so slowly, hands in his pockets, all Rebel-Without-a-Cause. It was too much, she had to sit down. And then:

“I’m locked out…”

Great, so she wasn’t even in control of her mouth anymore. Perfect.

He stopped at his door and turned to her.

“Well… I have towels… And blankets. And some dry clothes. You could chill here ‘til Jerry gets back.”

She gave up. She was stuck between pride and a blanket. There was only one thing that could decide it for her. And she wasn’t going to move until it was decided.

“Oh, and if you’re hungry, I’ve got snacks.”