NERD SQUAD - Episode 5

In this episode, Hubert finally makes a move into his anarchist neighbor's life.

Scene 1

Hubert is leaning on the customer service counter at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics.  He has a mopey face.

Melinda:  Stop moping around.
Billy:  The guy has no life.  Give him a break.

Berry (yelling from manager’s office, sitting in head honcho chair):  Hey, can you guys at least look like you’re working!
Billy:  NO!

Berry:  Ok, just doin my job! Carry on!
Hubert:  Isn’t anyone going to ask why I’m moping around?

Melinda:  Nah, probably not.  But go ahead and tell us anyway.
Billy:  I know why, you don’t even need to say it.  You haven’t had the huevos to go spy on your hot neighbor yet.    

Berry (yelling from office):  Obvious!
Melinda:  Why don’t you just come out here if you want to talk to us?!

Berry:  Because I like yelling!
Hubert:  I’m gonna do it, tonight.  I’ve gotta do something so Clapper will get off my ass.

Melinda:  Watch how you phrase things.    
Billy:  Can I come?

Hubert (offended):  Um, no.
Billy:  Come on, maybe it’ll help take the edge off.

Hubert (rubbing neck):  There is no edge.
Billy:  Whatever you say, man.  Hey, I’ve got a great idea.  Why don’t you film it and put it on youtube.  Make the most of your futile effort.

Hubert (offended, scoffs):  Not futile, and not filming.
Billy:  Can I film it?

Hubert twists face and gives sideways glance. 

Scene 2

Hubert is pacing around his apartment complex trying to work up the nerve to approach Sophia.  Billy is lurking in the bushes, waiting to film with his smartphone.

Billy (thinking to himself):  Does what I’m doing right now make my life more pathetic than his?

Hubert starts walking towards Sophia’s door.  Billy starts filming.  A pigeon poops on Hubert’s shoulder.  Hubert screams and runs to his apartment to change shirts.  Billy starts dreaming of what to do with the money he’ll make from the video.    

A few minutes later, Hubert emerges in a fresh shirt, approaches Sophia’s door, and knocks.    

Sophia:  Hi.  Hubert, right?
Hubert:  Yep, that’s me.

Awkward silence…..

Sophia:  How do you know which apartment I live in?
Hubert:  You told me.

Sophia:  I’m pretty sure I didn’t.
Hubert:  You’re right, I’m sorry, I followed you.

Sophia (sarcastic):  Wow, that’s not creepy.  So what brings you by?

Hubert:  Um, actually, my company is offering a great deal on computer maintenance service right now and I thought you might be interested.

Sophia:  Really? What’s the deal?
Hubert:  Um, free maintenance for life.

Sophia:  Wow, that sounds too good to be true!

Hubert:  OH, I mean, um, for six months.  Just six months.  I mean, I would service you for life, but I’m not sure the company would appreciate that.

Sophia (grimacing, sarcastic):  You sure do have a way with words.  Anyway, sure, come on in.

Hubert enters.  Billy’s jaw drops from shock.  He approaches the window and is pleased to find a crack where he can get audio and video.

Hubert gawks around and notices a huge, packed bookshelf lining the wall.  He also notices there is no TV.    

Hubert:  You don’t have a TV? 

Sophia (amused):  No, I read books instead.  Do you read?
Hubert:  Not since high school.    

Sophia (sour face):  I see.  Anyway, the laptop is over there on the desk, so go ahead and do your thing.    

Hubert takes a seat at the desk and Sophia disappears into another room.  She reappears and takes a seat on the sofa, near Hubert.  She starts casually cleaning a handgun.  Noticing this, Hubert does a double take, his eyes start bulging from his head, and he starts hyperventilating.

Sophia:  Are you ok?
Hubert (gasping, barely able to talk): G, gu, gu, gun! Why do you have a g..g...gun?

Sophia:  For self-defense, of course.  I thought I’d clean it while you’re working.    
Hubert:  Um, ok, guns kind of make me nervous.  Could you do it in another room?

Sophia (laughing):  Why do guns make you nervous?
Hubert:  Because they kill people.    

Sophia:  Guns don’t kill people.  Immoral people murder people.  (noticing Hubert’s hands trembling) But I guess if you’re gonna get any work done, I’ll have to put the gun away.  (she stashes it in a drawer in the coffee table)   

Hubert:  Could you actually put it in another room?   
Sophia:  Sure thing.    

She takes the gun and walks out.  Hubert takes the opportunity to start copying her hard drive to his external disk.  Sophia comes back.

Hubert:  So may I ask what you do?
Sophia:  You mean to earn slave survival credits?

Hubert:  Um, what?
Sophia:  Money.

Hubert:  Yep.

Sophia:  Why is that the first question people always ask? Anyway, I do a lot.  I’m a freelance writer and photographer.  I sell 3D printed objects.  I trade cryptos.  I do lots of posting on Steemit.

Hubert:  Cryptos?

Sophia:  What century are you in? Cryptocurrency.  Like Bitcoin.   

Hubert:  Oh, right.   

Sophia:  The best part of all the things I do to “make money”, is that it’s all extortion free.
Hubert (confused):  Aren’t most people’s jobs extortion free?

Sophia:  No, most people pay taxes.  Taxes are a form of extortion.    
Hubert (aghast, nearly speechless):  I’ve never heard that before.    

Their conversation is interrupted by a howl of anguish coming from outside.  They both run to the window to take a look.  Billy is screaming and running to desperately get away from a dog.

Hubert:  Billy?
Sophia:  You know that guy?

Hubert:  Unfortunately.
Sophia:  What’s he doing here?

Hubert (shrugs shoulders):  I can only imagine.  Maybe you should get that gun out here after all.    
Sophia:  Must be a good friend.

Hubert:  Well, I just realized that I need to bring more equipment to do more work on your PC.  Can I come back another time?

Sophia:  Sure, anytime.  And maybe after you’re done, I’ll take you to the gun range for target practice.    

Scene 3

The next day at Fried Electronics Store, Berry, Billy, and Melinda are gathered around one of the big screen displays, when Hubert walks in…..

Hubert:  Hey guys, what’s going on?
Berry (slaps Hubert on the back):  Congratulations, Hubert, you’ve made it to the big time!

Hubert looks at the screen and is mortified to see a spliced up video featuring himself getting pooped on by the pigeon.    

Melinda:  The look of absolute degradation on your face is priceless, Hubert! How much money have you made, Billy?
Billy:  I’ve got over a hundred thousand views on youtube, so I dunno, but it’s a lot more than I make working here!

Hubert (offended tone):  What about the video of you screaming and running away from a dog?   
Melinda (intrigued):  Dog? Do tell.

Hubert:  I’ve never seen anyone flee from a chihuahua before. 

Billy:  Not a chihuahua.
 
Hubert: And I told you not to film!

Billy:  Ok, number one, you didn’t say no.  You just gave a sideways glance.  And secondly, to your credit, I had to splice lots of video together to even make it entertaining.  I thought you’d blow it so bad that it would speak for itself! But nope, you surprised me.  You didn’t choke at all.  I think she might actually like you.

Berry and Melinda get shocked looks on their faces.

Berry:  This is a real girl?
Billy:  Yep.    

Melinda:  Too bad when she finds out you’re spying on her for the FBI she’s gonna turn into a real killer.

Scene 4

Hubert is meeting Clapper in a deserted parking lot.

Hubert:  Couldn’t we meet at a coffee shop or something? This is ludicrous.    

Clapper:  We can’t be too careful.  By the way, your little youtube video sensation is great and I couldn’t stop laughing, but we can’t have that happening while you’re on FBI time.

Hubert:  It wasn’t even me! Billy did it!
Clapper:  Well, next time be more careful, and if you see anyone filming you, take the proper actions to make them stop.

Hubert:  Like what?

Clapper:  I find that kicks to the groin tend to be rather convincing.  So anyway, about your target.  Did you get proof that she’s an anarchist?   

Hubert:  Um, no.  Was that what I was supposed to do? I thought I just had to copy her hard drive.

Clapper (facepalming):  Ya got a lot to learn kid.  No.  The hard drive is just the tip of the iceberg.  If she’s an anarchist, then we’ll really have something on our hands.  I need you to get proof that she’s an anarchist.    

Hubert:  How am I supposed to do that?

Clapper:  Figure it out, kid! Hell, I don’t care! Plant something on her, if ya have to! All I know is my boss is breathing down my neck about this, and I need proof, fabricated or not, that this girl is an anarchist.    

Hubert (distrustful face):  But if it’s fabricated, then that means it’s not true, right? 

Clapper:  In our business, it doesn’t matter.  Let me ask ya this.  Does she have any guns?
Hubert:  Yeah, actually, and she’s pretty open about it.

Clapper (excited):  I knew it! Well, that’s a start.  You can’t trust anyone with a gun, kid.
Hubert:  But you carry a gun.

Clapper:  Yeah, but, I’m government.   
Hubert:  That seems contradictory.

Clapper:  Whatever, kid.  Did you notice anything else unusual about her?
Hubert:  Well, she doesn’t have a TV and she has tons of books.

Clapper:  Worse than I thought! Damn book readers! You’re hot on her trail, kid! Good work.  I gotta run.  Remember, this meeting never happened!

Hubert:  Wait! What about the money!?

Clapper (rolling eyes, patronizing tone):  Oh, sure, ya want your money.  Here ya go, all ones, just the way you like it. (hands a crinkly paper sack full of bills to Hubert)

Clapper does some quick, paranoid glances in various directions, then scampers off to his car, which is parked on the far side of the empty lot.

Hubert:  You should have parked closer!
Clapper:  I don’t know you! 

Stay tuned for episode 6!

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

Top image is from pixabay