Victoria

Some days I wake up and can’t believe how my life has changed so drastically. Let me explain to you whats going on here; my parents raised me to go after what I want and to figure out how to get what I don’t have. As a child I participated in acting, modeling, ice skating, soccer, singing, and track & field. As a teenager, I was a cheerleader in the OC. I was the only black girl on the team which at the time was controversial, but hey I had the white boys dyin’ for this chocolate skin. Now listen, just cuz I’m from the OC doesn’t mean I didn’t grow up around some my people. We had a small black community, mainly kids that had a parent in the military stationed in the area. My parents were entrepreneurs. My folks were rackin in so much bred that we moved closer to the coast so my dad could get better view of the sunrise.

I got track offers from this university and that, but I hated running track so I did whatever it took to attend Johnson University. THEE Johnson University is an HBCU (Historical Black College) and if you know anything about a black girl that grew up with a limited number of brothas whenever we got a chance to be around some real niggas I’m there. I’m talkin the cream of the crop. Brothas from every urban city in America. Light skin, Carmel skin, dark skin, pitch black where the brotha dang near looked purple…whew. Brothas from Caribbean, Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa, Angola, and Somalia. Look yal, when I was living in the OC I wasn’t gettin play from any of the boys there. Most of the guys that lived in that area were white, and the boys that were black wanted the light skin, exotic type or white girl. I didn’t think guys were that attracted to my complexion. The second I stepped foot on Johnson U I had brotha’s feenin' for me. They loved the fact I was from Cali, I had class but could get street if I needed to! What appreciated the most was the men had old school values. They treated you like a woman. They opened doors, pulled out chairs, set a time and stuck to it for a date, and in the club when they bought you a drink they did not stock you for the REST of the night. They did it just to let you know the noticed you. Brothas in D.C is where it’s at if you're tryna to find a man that will appreciate you.

After I graduated college with my B.A in Education, I lived in D.C for a couple more years. I dated this tall broad shoulder, hazel eye, perfectly trimmed beard, cleaned up and eye-browed man named Rahsaan. My light skin lover loved this chocolate girl. He was all of what any woman would want. He was the type of guy that other guys would feel insecure if their girlfriend was approached by him. He always looked crisp, smelled fresh, and the braces he wore as a child chiseled his jawline to perfection. He was pursuing an acting career and travelled back and forth from D.C to L.A . I loved Rahsaan. He gave me what every woman in this world should experience with their significant other…protection. I always felt like I could depend on him spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially. My dad taught me to value men like that. On top of all of that he wanted me and only me. He was my first..my first yal! This nigga’s dick perfect. When I figured out what I was doing I would fuck him as much as possible. After 3 years of dating he wanted to marry me. “Your pussy is mines” was his words exactly haha. That shit turned me on tho. I loved that nigga like I said but homegirl was young and wanted to enjoy her twenties as much as possible…thank you. Rahsaan ended up getting picked up for the first season of Gold which was out in LA. I was happy for him. I decided to leave with him and rent a overpriced 740 sq ft apartment in the Hollywood. While we were living together all I could think about was the restrictions I was now under. “Where are you going? With whom?? Nigga you aint my dad, I couldnt be up under some man at 23. There was other thing stopping me from saying yes.. our religious beliefs just weren't the same. Rahsaan would go to church with me but he didn't believe in Christ. And in one of our conversations he told me “If we were to have kids and they wanted to go with me to church, cool, but don’t expect ‘me’ to get baptized and go to church with you every Sunday.” I needed a man that believed what I believed and wanted to live a religious lifestyle. Not just to make me happy because that stuff would fizzle away over time.

Once me and Rahsaan eventually broke up I thought we would get back together later on in life, however he got married to some thirsty bob a year. That broke my heart but like I said I we were on different spiritual paths. I was back on the dating scene and I quickly realized the men in LA were completely different than the way men treated me in D.C. The men in LA either wanted the light skin girl, or the IG type. These men weren't checkin for this dark skin chick. I thought it was ironic that these dark skin black men who had dark skin black mothers and sisters wouldn’t be checkin for a dark skin woman. I wonder what’s the matter with these LA dudes? And if they did talk to me they would say “You’re pretty for a dark skin girl,” or “I usually don’t date dark skin girls but I would date you,” like that’s some dang compliment. The guys I went on dates with was tryna to get between my legs the second we met. I couldn’t believe the generation of guys that thought it was okay to be that straight forward and think it would work, like what type of bitches do you talk to you that is okay with this? I moved to Atlanta when I turned 26 to be closer to my sorority sisters. It was fun being with my girls. Tracey was my ace, she knew all the gossip and would be the first one to either call or text and say ‘Guuurrlll hit me!” Candy and I weren't that close in college but after we basically found out how much alike we are I knew she was a rida. Kim and Trina grew up in Atlanta and always knew what club was jumpin and had a connect. You need girls like that on your team because regardless of how fly you look there's nothing worst than some whack ass bouncer tryna to block you and your girls from walkin straight in club while all the wannabes are waitin in line. Then there is Raven. Raven is my girl. We’ll always be tight. She’s been there for me when I got played by this clown in LA talkin about how he was this and that and left me high and dry. I was there for her when her dude left her rideless and moneyless. We’re the type of friends that don’t need to check in with each other all the time, once we talk over the phone or during a vacation we’re right up to speed. That’s my dawg right there. It was good I was living in the A during that time of my life. My hero, the man I first loved, my dad, was about to turn my world upside down.

Six days after I turned 27 years old I received a phone call from my mom telling me her and my dad were separated. My parents were married for 33 years, so I thought okay this is just a temporary thing sooner or later my parents would be back to normal. It wasn’t. My mom found out my dad was continuing to sleep with other women. He would take a quick shower before he would step foot in the house. My dad lied to me. The man that is my protector, the man that I could always depend on was lying to me like I didn’t matter anymore. He talked to me as if like his duties of being a dad was over.  The cold part was my dad didn’t even hesitate on his lies. He called me 3 years later and told me the divorce was final and he would be getting married to some young thot that wanted my dad for his pockets. He wanted me at the wedding and there was no way in hell I was going to support him. I felt like he was a hypocrite. I couldn’t understand why he would leave our family. I didn't care what his rational was he stopped protecting me and my mom. He didn’t even give her spousal support. I don’t know how any man could just leave the mother of his child helpless like that.  My brothers on the other hand was trying to help me understand it from a male’s point of view. Everything they were saying to me was irrelevant. I had hate for my dad and that carried over to any relationship I had with men. I knew I had to know how to survive with or without a man