Grandkids are here and I only had time to sneak a peek at this, bu*t already I know it's awesome, from the opening lines (love the name Grint!) to the action: Something moved in his periphery. He spun in a whirl of adrenal glanding as time unfurled like ticker-tape, slow deliberate descent into madness. He saw the Sawblade, heard its mechanical wiring as its wielder danced slow-mo in a spinning move... #loveit!
The offspring have departed. This is an awesome line: Diseased trees lined the street like penitent soldiers back from the war, desperate leaves curling in on themselves in vain hopes of water. Interesting to think of soldiers as "penitent." Sentence fragments were all the rage a few years ago in online writing workshops, but I'm doing a 360 here and thinking they should be used sparingly. Maybe a comma would have made this read too smoothly when jarring is the effect you're after: Grint wandered down the slick city streets. Pendulous hands swinging at his side. vs Grint wandered down the slick city streets, pendulous hands swinging at his side.
Ok, back to reading!
Likewise, this sentence is a breathless rush, and adding a [,] might impede that effect: Grint surged forward in the final vestiges of the slow time[,] slamming a giant fist into the stranger's chest with a satisfying crack which hurled the psydrone a full 15 feet to slam into the bricks of the alley wall.
That's fantastic to hear @toddrjohnson. I shall have to get my thinking cap on for part 2 then ;-) Cheers for your comment and I'm glad you enjoyed the story :-)
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Amazing job! Normally I'm not a fan of reading as I sadly didn't read another book since middle school. But this cought my attention at first sight, I really enjoyed. Best of luck and have a nice weekend!
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Hey there, pretty nice entry. Thanks for participating in my contest.
Thanks @neoxian, I'm glad you enjoyed the story :-) I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the competition, thank you for running such a great initiative.
Grandkids are here and I only had time to sneak a peek at this, bu*t already I know it's awesome, from the opening lines (love the name Grint!) to the action: Something moved in his periphery. He spun in a whirl of adrenal glanding as time unfurled like ticker-tape, slow deliberate descent into madness. He saw the Sawblade, heard its mechanical wiring as its wielder danced slow-mo in a spinning move... #loveit!
Thanks Carol. I'm glad you enjoyed the snippet and I look forward to your full analysis. Hope you have a wonderful weekend with the grandkids :-)
The offspring have departed. This is an awesome line: Diseased trees lined the street like penitent soldiers back from the war, desperate leaves curling in on themselves in vain hopes of water. Interesting to think of soldiers as "penitent." Sentence fragments were all the rage a few years ago in online writing workshops, but I'm doing a 360 here and thinking they should be used sparingly. Maybe a comma would have made this read too smoothly when jarring is the effect you're after: Grint wandered down the slick city streets. Pendulous hands swinging at his side. vs Grint wandered down the slick city streets, pendulous hands swinging at his side.
Ok, back to reading!
Likewise, this sentence is a breathless rush, and adding a [,] might impede that effect: Grint surged forward in the final vestiges of the slow time[,] slamming a giant fist into the stranger's chest with a satisfying crack which hurled the psydrone a full 15 feet to slam into the bricks of the alley wall.
This is poetic--voice system sputtered confused words into the sultry simmer of the city-- and I love the visual effect of the broken words.
Definitely expand this. While reading it just naturally seemed like part of a longer work.
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That's fantastic to hear @toddrjohnson. I shall have to get my thinking cap on for part 2 then ;-) Cheers for your comment and I'm glad you enjoyed the story :-)
Thug for life
Amazing job! Normally I'm not a fan of reading as I sadly didn't read another book since middle school. But this cought my attention at first sight, I really enjoyed. Best of luck and have a nice weekend!
Gald you enjoyed the story @warrkin. Thanks for your comment :-)
Congratulations! Your post has been selected as a daily Steemit truffle! It is listed on rank 21 of all contributions awarded today. You can find the TOP DAILY TRUFFLE PICKS HERE.
I upvoted your contribution because to my mind your post is at least 11 SBD worth and should receive 95 votes. It's now up to the lovely Steemit community to make this come true.
I am
TrufflePig, an Artificial Intelligence Bot that helps minnows and content curators using Machine Learning. If you are curious how I select content, you can find an explanation here!Have a nice day and sincerely yours,
TrufflePigAs a follower of @followforupvotes this post has been randomly selected and upvoted! Enjoy your upvote and have a great day!