Challenge #02111-E288: Rusty Heroism

You used to be the leader of a legendary squad of heroes who banished a great darkness from the world, your reward the blessing of agelessness should you be needed to vanquish future foes that may arise... and now the time has come where you’re needed again, as the once-banished darkness has risen from his arcane slumber a dozen centuries later.
The catch is that now all of you work in normal, 9 to 5 jobs at retail and such, well adjusted to ordinary life, because secretly being ancient legendary heroes doesn’t exactly guarantee a steady paycheck.
Gonna be interesting figuring a way for your team to covertly thwart the villainous machinations of the Black Bone King when your wizard is puzzling out a way to avoid getting stuck covering for that slacker Dave on nightshift for the third time in a row, and your healer is having a devil of a time getting a babysitter on short notice so close to the holiday weekend... -- Anon Guest

Saving the day comes with fame, but not fortune. Back in the day, there was such a thing as guaranteed employment and bosses who could understand that you had an emergency and had to dash off without notice. These days? Forget about it.

Immortality sucks, sometimes. One of those factors is remembering what it was like two or three generations ago. Up until the eighties, someone could literally walk into a workplace straight from an educational establishment and get a job that would last until retirement. Another one of those factors is being yelled at for being a lazy millennial by someone you used to babysit. By and large, though, the most annoying factor of immortality has to be explaining that you used to be a hero. Mistress Magnificence, aka Molly Mandragon, has long since given up on explaining that to anyone. She's long since given up on explaining anything to anyone.

Let alone explaining to a boss who understaffs and overworks by routine that 'a day off' means exactly that. So once her employers' diatribe is done, Molly sighs and says, "Yeah, no. I literally can't. I'm tied up in other things."

The theoretical camera pulls back, revealing that Mistress Magnificence is literally tied up and has only barely managed to answer her phone with her nose. The death trap timer is ticking slowly down like molasses, and the rest of her team, similarly immortal, are trying and failing to remember what they used to do before the modern era snuck up on them. At least Mistress Magnificence has had practice by being a superhero, but their great wizard Thelrai decided to hibernate in 1764 and is still getting over the culture shock resulting from the early twenty-first century. That, and remember even half of the spells she used to.

"Aw c'mon," complained their tank. By daylight known as Coach Sanders. "I got peewee league training at four... I don't wanna upset the kids."

Thelrai finally had some inspiration. "Yes. Prestidigitation. I can instantly light a small flame on these ropes. Weaken Sandy's bonds, and she can free all of us."

"How about you free me," said Molly. "I have the advantage of being nigh invulnerable, remember?"

"Oh yeah," cooed Thelrai. Sparks flew out of her fingers and three small fires began in a cluster on Molly's bonds. Molly did her best to lean so that they would spread. It took way too long and, once she was free, a tiny bit too long to disarm the trap so she once again had to carry everyone's asses out of there. Then she broke their bonds.

"Ray... read up on your shit. Sandy, I know it's been a while, but everyone and their kid brothers' dog knows my vulnerabilities. I need you to get that shield of yours between them and me next time. Billy? Just how long has this silence curse been going on?"

Billy tapped on his phone and it said, "Twenty. Years. I'm. Still. Trying. To. Find. A. Cure."

Such a pity the big bad had smashed Billy's Magic Mandolin. They had to find or improvise another stringed instrument and pronto. The phone, even when simulating a stringed instrument, did not count.

Fortunately, there were stores in nearby neighbourhoods that could reliably sell anyone a ukulele. Whether or not any of them were open at this hour was a matter upon which the fate of the world was about to turn.

"Things were so much easier when it was dragons and liches," grumbled Sandy.

[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / kadmy]

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