This is a love letter to @rhondak who works super-humanly hard for all of us in the fiction workshop on Discord as well as on Steemit. She has a hobo living in her house named Glory. The hobo is a raccoon. Enjoy.

That's the actual shit head.

Gory Glory

---

Rhonda was typing on two different computers. There were too many open tabs for one to handle. Glory was pissing on things. Rhonda heard a noise outside. She looked out the window.

"Ron-dak!"

She saw someone in full hockey goalie gear struggling through the brush. Everything was velcro in the woods.

"Sorry who are you?"

The goalie walked up to the door. "It's Cosimo, let me in. It's hot."

"Cosimo! Why are you here?"

He opened the door and walked in. Took off the face mask, he was sweating a lot. "Where is it?"

"What?"

"The monster."

"Glory? She's, somewhere, ruining my life."

He saw Glory in the doorway. She was on all fours with her stripe raised and snarling. He put the face mask back on. Glory made harsher gurgling noises. He took a deep breath.

"YOU'S THE BITCH TODAY!"

Glory barked and flying-squirreled onto the face mask. Cosimo fell back against an end table. The lamp splattered on the floor. Rhonda stepped back. Glory was snapping through the face mask and Cosimo was making scared-person sounds. He couldn't get a hold of her. The gloves were like giant mittens and didn't work.

The dog came in through the back door somehow. It got a hold and tugged at Cosimo's arm. It jerked him hard and Cosimo went down against the coffee table.

"No! Don't bite!" Rhonda pulled the dog off and it settled down. "Sorry, you look like an intruder."

Glory was on Cosimo's back. It started ripping into the padding and puffs of fluff and cloth were flung into the air. Cosimo shrieked and rolled. Glory was on his elbow now, he stood slowly and got ahold of her. She was attached and biting one hand. He cocked the other fist back for a hit. He swung. He didn't hit anything and fell over onto the coffee table. It wasn't a table anymore.

Rhonda looked unhappy.

Glory leapt off and scurried into the other room. Cosimo stood and took off the face mask. He was panting heavy. Rhonda didn't say anything. He put it back on and lumbered into the other room. His shoulder brushed some wind chimes that were inside the house for some reason.

The trash panda was ready and waiting on the computer desk. Her paws were on the keyboard and the screen was scrolling fast and randomly editing a word document. She made little clicking throat noises at Cosimo.

"You dirty motherfucker." He grabbed a back-scratch wand and started swinging and prodding. Glory angrily deflected most of the blows with one paw while keeping her footing. Swing. Snarl. Poke. Snarl. The back scratcher swung a little too wild and whipped the side of the monitor.

Rhonda walked up behind. "Cosimo, I don't know if--"

"Not now, Ron-dak." He prodded the center of Glory's mass and she chewed the little hand off the back scratcher.

"OK, well, I'm going to the store. Try not to--"

"I really can't listen right now."

She went to her truck. She brought the dog with her so Cosimo wouldn't die. She drove. Felt nice to be out of the house. She didn't like how Cosimo was treating Glory.

When she returned the house was strangely quiet. She saw the hockey gear littered on the ground with countless scratches and tears. There was a broken cell-phone that wasn't hers in a bush.

A mud golem lifted from a puddle of leaves and twigs. Rhonda jerked away and a jar of spaghetti sauce broke on the ground. Cosimo was in his boxers coated head to toe with grey-brown mud and debris. "She's out for now. I had to cover my scent so she can't track me. She headed east. She's in her natural habitat now, she'll take some time to lick the wounds of her ego. Should give you a couple of days to board up the windows and--"

Glory went back in the house.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

---

She likes the bird cage.

Thanks for reading. If you know someone who'd get a kick out of it...by all means, please share.