Dance with demons
I am alone. Alone. Desperate, terrified. No Exit. I do not know what to do, I tremble, I can not cry or scream although I want to. I want to run away from everything, but I do not have where, I want to run away from me, I want everything to end, there is only one way out but I do not want to do it, I do not want to force myself to that. I'm desperate. I can, not anymore.
I'm cold, the room is dark, but there's more darkness inside me. I just want to sleep, but I can not, I want to eat but it disgusts me, everything disgusts me. The same existence disgusts me, but I love it, I want to do it. There is nothing, there is nobody, I am alone.
I walk from one place to another, I stayed still. I do not know what to do. I need help, nobody sees that I need help, the help that I need but I do not want, I do not want to say it.
I see myself and I do not see myself, I miss myself, I love me, I hate myself. I fall on my knees. I think the time has come, apparently not being able to keep my mask any longer, that I use daily to hide everything.
The music starts to sound, if it is music. That music that every night drags me to the hell of my nightmares, the reflection of my personal hell that called life, that world that my unconscious happily creates and modifies with greater horrors to remind me of its existence even while I sleep, my only transitory escape. In that world he expressed my hatred, for everything in existence and especially for myself, but there is also fear that comes from the love I feel for everything, the fear of not wanting to lose anything. He expressed my pain, which is so great and that it is in every part of me to be day by day.
But now it is here, yes, it has never happened before, awake. Is here to drag me and take me to the 9 circles of my hell, to my misfortune, to my bad luck, my pain, my constant pain, will I be really awake? I am.
It's a beautiful, disgusting, good, bad tune. I hate her and I want her to finish, but I look forward to her arrival every night and I wait as a child at Christmas for the terrifying gifts she brings me.
In the midst of my amazement, despair and surprise everything becomes a large and spacious room with 9 circles; loneliness takes me gently and envelops me in his arms and while he dances softly and slowly whispers in my ear that there is no one in this world for me, he makes me feel empty inside. We went to the next circle of the room and I surrendered to the arms of frustration, dance with me in a swinging rhythm, crying for everything that could be and was not, and will not be, for all the dreams and broken desires, I desperately loose immediately I feel under my arms as the hands of hatred slide towards my chest and invites me to the next circle, tells me how much I want to hurt everyone and myself, invites me to live eternally with him, offers me a comfortable life of bitterness and darkness and while we dance we are so close to each other that I feel as if I have the shelter I need; I pull away abruptly as I'm quickly pulled by the arm of despair. While we enter a fast dance circle, very fast, where there is no time to do something, you go from one place to another without knowing what to do, without knowing whether to leave or enter, if you continue to stop, she can not tell me anything, but in his face I see reflected all those familiar feelings for me.
Out of nothing that fast dance ceases and sadness rises before me, embraces me and in this circle, while we barely move to the tune of the melody announces with the voice more muted and dismal how much sorry all the way traveled; I close my eyes and let myself go, as if floating on my back in a sea of millions of unshed tears. Suddenly I'm hit with a lot of force and I fall on the floor, in a circle much closer to the center of the room, it raises my anger very firmly, it hurts me but it makes me feel power, it screams, it clamor for taking control, it claims to be the only way out, makes me feel comfortable, every step, every movement is firm, rough, coarse, powerful, tempting. He takes me to the center of the room and lets me go. I am captured by the pain, just smile and while dancing following the classic 1,2,3, none emits a word, I only feel desolation, a twinge in the middle of my chest that I can not locate, I think I will not resist. Only a few steps from the center of the room paralyzed me while the fear enveloped me, he dragged me a thousand and one turns while telling me that I am my worst enemy, I made myself that there will be horrible consequences and it makes me see that everything is uncertain, that the moment has arrived.
She leaves me in the arms of the protagonist of the dance hall, I am in the center, in my ninth circle, I have finally arrived, I know her, it is madness, we dance, she tells me how much she has waited for me, we dance, she regrets that I have tried to flee for so long, we dance, he says that now nobody can ever separate us, we dance.
She understands me, loves me, shows me a world without limits; He gave me totally to her and enters every fiber of my body and my being. The song ends, the rest of my demons are still there, surrounding us, being part of the moment; but especially the madness is still here with me, because it is my answer, my way out, my everything and my nothingness, it is part of me and I am part of it, we are one. Together from before, now and forever. My way, my support. Now the world will see what we can do together, now the world will have its payment back for making me travel this road, now the world will live the beautiful dance with the demons.
Image taken from: https://mx.depositphotos.com/132316232/stock-video-man-dancing-in-the-dark.html