Him and Nothing Else 005: Where Were You | A Dear Evan Hansen Fan Fiction
[Chapter 4: You Know It]
Nothing ever goes according to plan.
Little promises to keep yet you still fail.
Way to go.
Evan loves pizzas, but apparently, he doesn’t love it enough to be able to order one on his own.
His manager, Jonas, has now fallen asleep on the porch of the administrative cabin, the last pizza piece dangling from his hand.
Really, Evan?
It’s a simple phone call.
How on earth do you mess up a simple freaking phone call?
He stood up from the small bench that he was sitting on and then started to clean up the remnants of their late afternoon snack time.
When he was done, he took a blanket from the supply cabinet and draped it over Jonas.
Silently thanking him for finishing his phone call for him.
Bummed as ever, he made his way to his favorite hiding spot.
It was getting dark, and Evan doesn’t feel like going home.
Finding a job?
You got one, but not the one you were planning to have.
Saving up?
You’re doing well, but it’s not enough for college.
Be confident in guiding tourists?
Fail, but being involved with them was never in the original list.
Have a conversation without stuttering?
Fail.
Doing your job?
Super Fail.
Befriending someone new?
Success.
No, it’s not.
Your manager doesn’t count.
He’s supposed to be nice to you.
So, it is still a fail.
And the list goes on.
The only thing he could do now is sigh.
He was there, but there will always be a disconnection.
A misstep.
Nothing ever goes the way he wanted.
“Are you doing well in your job, Sweetie?”
“Of course.”
All these questions from his Mom, none of them answered truthfully.
He wonders if she actually cares for him or if she’s acting like she does because she has to.
Don’t.
Why do you always go there?
Looking up to the sky, he stops and inhales deeply.
As he exhales, the shadow of his favorite rock was slowly darkening his view.
Doing his usual climb doesn’t seem appealing right now.
So, he passed by it.
Maybe just this once, he could fulfil one of his promises to himself.
We could start by trying something you’ve always thought of as dangerous.
There is a lot on that dangerous list.
The easiest one would do.
If you can’t do that, you’re never going to do anything right.
Reaching the bottom of his favorite tree, he started looking for branches that he could use to climb.
You can do this, you can do this, you can do this.
Think happy thoughts.
His head was busy reminiscing a few things that seemed nice about his life while his body was synchronized in finding its way on top.
When he reached the highest among the biggest branch, his train of happy thoughts was derailed.
He was far away from the ground.
His position is higher that his usual spot.
Higher than he thought he could ever be.
Too high.
His breathing starts to feel uneven.
Don’t look down.
Leaning against the trunk, he hugs his legs and watches the sky.
Clouds. Clouds are nice.
The mix of indigoes and dark oranges was something that fascinated him since his first time to really observe a sunset.
This time, there’s something different about its beauty.
He doesn’t know why, but it prompted him to think about all his failures.
Why do you do this to yourself?
But he does anyway.
He thinks about his Dad’s disappointed face.
“This is useless!”
His Mom’s fake smile.
Was it fake to begin with?
The confused face of everyone he talks to.
Was it really that bad?
A friend’s insults.
Why?
His failed attempt to get to know the love of his life.
How?
Voices of various people flooding in.
Who?
Everything falling apart.
When?
He couldn’t stop.
Everything was becoming blurry.
A headache came and he pulled his hair, as if it helps.
Why is it so painful?
Tears slowly fall as he tries his to bury his thoughts.
When he finally stopped pulling his hair, night has consumed the sky.
Stars twinkling, unaware of a crying boy on top of a tree.
And he felt empty.
He usually does after crying.
Why do I even cry?
He wants to know.
For a long while he focused on that hollow feeling.
It’s the only thing that felt right.
It usually does.
Few hours have passed and Evan was now asleep.
He was smiling.
When he opened his eyes, he was suddenly aware of the height.
What?
As the hair on the back of his neck stood, he searches for a way down.
The darkness creeping below scared him.
You shouldn’t be here, it’s dangerous.
Afraid that he might fall, he grips on each branch as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.
He was so focused on gripping he didn’t bothered to check the next branch that he was going to hold next.
“Ouch!”
Something pricked his hand which made him lost his grip.
Time slowed down.
But he was able to hold on to another branch.
Blood dripped from the wound and the urge throw up made him gagged.
How far up am I?
He couldn’t see.
He was alone and he couldn’t ask for help.
This is why you shouldn’t do dangerous things.
You know what this means, right?
He couldn’t find a place to put his foot.
He couldn’t see the ground.
It’s just him.
Alone.
Useless.
Helpless.
Unwanted.
A Nobody.
Nobody Cares.
Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here.
I was never here to begin with.
Nothing ever goes where things are supposed to be.
He lets go.
This fanfiction will also be updated here:
http://archiveofourown.org/works/11566770/chapters/25985823
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12575118/1/Him-And-Nothing-Else
[Photo from Dear Evan Hansen]