I very much understand your comments about hurting yourself before anyone else can hurt you. This is something anyone who has experienced childhood trauma does, be it physically or mentally. We try to survive and defence is paramount. We show our scars publicly to say "i am already damaged, you can't hurt me more." But how do we get out of this cycle as adults? I think writing about this stuff is very important in healing. Telling your story, feeling like you're being heard, being in control of the memory. Thanks for your brave honesty. Write some more.