"IMPACT OF DIVORCE FOR CHILDREN"

One of the most difficult periods in a child's life is to survive and go through the divorce experience of their parents. The consequences in this situation may be different depending on their stage of development, age and gender, but in any case they suffer before and after the divorce process.

After the parents divorce, the children feel a loss of stability and security, after the absence of something that was the backbone of their life, their world. They may react differently, in some cases, babies may be very sad, experience states of anguish. The reason for such anxiety is that the child fears being rejected, abandoned by one of the parents or even both, in some cases, they may feel very lonely, especially when one of the parents is away from the family for a long time and does not appear at home.

Children believe that their parents no longer love them; they have a feeling of abandonment and desolation, which can become a desire to leave home; As a result of the inability to reconcile their parents and do something to save the family, they feel their own helplessness. The helplessness, the anxiety, the disappointment, can result in flagrant attacks of aggression towards one of the parents (the one responsible for the situation), and both; they blame themselves, believing that they said or did something wrong, and that it was their act that led the parents to separate; Children during the divorce of their parents experience a pain and a grief comparable in strength only to the penalty of death.

Because of bitter experiences, suffering and traumas caused to the child's psyche, pain can cause reticence, frequent solitude in the room, smoking, drug addiction, violence and even suicide. Depending on the age and susceptibility of the child, the consequences can result in unreasonable fears, insomnia, urinary incontinence, aggression and frequent nervous breakdowns, which present themselves as problems in school and in communication with friends.

During the divorce process, the child's psyche and vulnerable soul require a lot of attention, understanding and sensitivity. During this period, requiring that their parents have emotional empathy and harmony with their pain, more sensitivity and tenderness, more closeness, both spiritual and physical. This requirement is extremely necessary for the psyche of an unstable child.

Given this scenario, there are rules that must be followed when proposing a divorce to children, among these are the following:

First, a divorce in a family is a mutual and voluntary decision of both parents, nobody obligates anyone.
Secondly, it is necessary to explain to the child that the decision about the divorce is final and that nobody and nothing can change it.
You must also explain to the child that he is not absolutely guilty of the fact that the parents do not agree and that no action of his will can influence his decision. Children often think that it was they who caused mom to no longer live with dad.

Try to be closer to the child, listen to his words, more often pay attention to his behavior. Communicate and share more with him, spend time with your child, do not let him feel abandoned and alone, and do not forget that only parents can help your child with these complex changes in their life, better than anyone else.

If you have the opportunity to change your mind, accept, understand or forgive, do it and do not cut your shoulder! Because when parents divorce, children experience not only enormous psychological suffering, but also the loss of very important social and spiritual norms, such as the concept of family, marriage, love, devotion and loyalty.

The main mistakes of parents.
Pretend that nothing is happening, or hide the problem.

The child will still see changes (in relationships, emotions, the usual way). If the father behaves as if nothing had happened or fables occurred to him, such as "Dad left for a long-term business trip," then the child may lose a basic sense of security, trust in the world and his parents .

Enter details or talk too general / abstract.

It is not necessary to discuss the details of the associations and the "adult" reasons for which he decided to disperse. But at the same time, one should avoid vague phrases, such as "we do not get close to each other". Children need specific indicators of a problem that they understand. For example, "You noticed that we often fight with dad."

Insult the partner, swear during a conversation.

In a divorce situation, I really want to get rid of the insult, blame the second half for all the sins. But the responsibility for divorce rests with both parents.
It does not need to blacken the mother / father in the eyes of a child and arrange scenes in his presence to clarify relationships. Nothing but harm to the child's psyche, it will not bring it.
In addition, there may be an opposite effect: the negative attitude will be caused only by the father who criticizes and blames his partner. Nor does he need to compare a child with a partner in a negative context ("you are the same as your father / mother!"), Because in this situation there is a message of division of the child's personality into a male and female component , where one of them is a negative figure. As a result, the skills corresponding to this figure are lost: empathy, acceptance, tenderness, if a female figure is denied; Decision, progressivity, achievements, if the male figure is denied.

Discuss the issue of divorce in the presence of third parties or spontaneously (about emotions).

The conversation should take place in a comfortable environment for the child, one by one. Grandparents, close friends, is not the best company for such conversations. Ask for a closed circle to be tactful in this situation and not to discuss with the child the question of parents' divorce (and even more so before the parents do).

Leave the child with personal experiences.

Of course, divorce from parents is a great stress for a child, so it can not be overlooked during this period. It is necessary to try to spend more time with the child: to communicate on various topics, to go somewhere together. But do this discreetly, very delicately, rather observing, rather than bothering with questions. If the child does not ask questions, it is better not to raise the issue again, but wait until he becomes the initiator of the conversation. Just come and get ready to answer questions.

Finally
Try to be closer to the child, listen to his words, more often pay attention to his behavior. Communicate and share more with him, spend time with your child, do not let him feel abandoned and alone, and do not forget that only parents can help your child with these complex changes in their life, better than anyone else.

If you have the opportunity to change your mind, accept, understand or forgive, do it and do not cut your shoulder! Because when parents divorce, children experience not only enormous psychological suffering, but also the loss of very important social and spiritual norms, such as the concept of family, marriage, love, devotion and loyalty.