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RE: The Wall, And Other Lovely Defense Mechanisms
It can be sad, how the patterns that we experience in childhood follow us through the rest of our lives.
Was this your full sister or half sister? I have two siblings that my mother had with different men and we've never been as close as I'd like.
She was my half sister from my dad's first marriage. We were close when we were younger and she did really go out of her way to have a relationship with me at that point. I imagine her and my dad had some conflict, which I would understand if she could just be honest with me about it. I'm no longer living there, yet I've only seen my nieces twice. She gave me a hug last time and said, "Let's not make it another four years." I've reached out a couple times but nothing came of it. It's now been six years since I've seen them and they only live an hour away. It goes back to the "I don't need anyone in my life that doesn't need me" thing. As much as I'd love to see my nieces, I've had a life's worth of heartbreak over this and just can't deal with putting myself out there anymore.
I guess sometimes it's just easier to let these things go. Our real families are the ones we choose, and there's no point in trying to force a distant connection when there could be people closer to us who need our love.
I'm sorry you don't get to see your nieces, though.
It is what it is and I'm accepting that :) that's right, the people that matter are the ones that choose to be present.