Dealing with family dysfunction, or not

onetree (68)in #family • 8 years ago

Following on from my blog: My brother-in-law pimped his wife, where I mentioned that my brother-in-law had made his then sixteen year old girlfriend pregnant, this story is about their first son Harvey.

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When the pregnancy was discovered it was immediately clear that that the couple were in no way equipped to raise a child. They both lived with my brother-in-law (Rick)'s mother, Jeanine. Apart from their youth, they were not genetically equipped with intelligence or common sense. That might sound harsh, but it is the truth. My husband, Sergio, and I lobbied for adoption. We felt that this was the only chance the poor child might have in life. And he was adopted, by my mother and father-in-law!!! This was a horrible outcome, as firstly my husband Sergio had to basically raise himself, and his half brother, due to his upbringing, or lack thereof, was unable to handle real life whatsoever.

Sergio tried to talk sense into his mother, she would be 70 years old when the child reached adulthood, but to no avail. We had to accept the situation, and to be quite honest, I looked forward to the baby's arrival, as he would be my first experience with babies, not having had my own children yet. When Audrey went into labour I drove her and Rick to the hospital. The birth was uneventful, and Jeanine and Jean adopted the little boy. I even looked after him for one night to give them a break. (And discovered that it was not my thing!)

Harvey grew a little older. We celebrated his first birthday party at my house. I was as judgemental as only a person without children could be about his upbringing. In some aspects I was right, and in other ways I was perhaps a little unreasonable. In one incident the toddler ingested some of Jeanine's prescription medication. The little boy was prone to violent tantrums and I did not know how to handle them. He was at my house one day and I put him in my bedroom for a "time-out" and he took off his nappy and left me a "present" on my carpet.

Two years after Harvey was born, I had a daughter. After that we didn't spend much time with him, especially as relations were strained between my husband and his parents. Harvey did come a visit once, and the first thing he did was fall straight into our fish pond, where he sunk like a stone. I was right there so no harm was done, but I was both irritated and worried by how easily he got into difficulties.

I was very fortunate with my own children. They were (and are) a pleasure to raise. I found being a mother came naturally to me. (I had no trouble caring for my own babies in the night.) I often thought about Harvey and his less than ideal upbringing, and felt very bad for him. We drifted further apart from my in-laws when Rick started pimping his wife. They had more children who they looked after themselves. Jeanine's clear favourite son was Rick, and would not condemn even his foray into pimping, so we hardly saw them, or Harvey.

Eventually Rick and Audrey decided to abandon that lifestyle, and Rick insinuated his way back into our good books. I saw Harvey from time to time, but it was clear that he was intellectually challenged. My daughter who was two years younger than him was already in a higher school grade. Jeanine and Jean began to feel their age, and Harvey's behaviour posed increasing challenges for them. The matter was complicated by the fact that Audrey would accuse them from time to time of stealing her son. The entire family were regularly visited by child welfare officials, and I was constantly surprised that the children were not removed from their care.

Then, out of the blue, Jeanine and Jean separated. We weren't aware of it then, but Jeanine was ill, and was becoming increasingly irrational, prone to emotional screaming fits. Harvey was also volatile, and had the habit of climbing a tall tree in the yard, and refusing to come down, or threatening to kill himself by jumping off, which would make Jeanine hysterical. She once begged me to help her, but when I told her to leave him, he would come down when he was ready, she would become unhinged. I never did resolve that situation, but vowed never to go back as I was powerless.

Jeanine went to live with her sister Joyce, after she separated from Jean, and took Harvey with her. It wasn't long before Joyce could not handle having the boy in her home. Jeanine then moved in with us and brought Harvey with. But although she had "moved in", she left Harvey with us, and "visited" Joyce constantly. I know they enjoyed going to the casino together. Nevertheless, I decided that I would take the opportunity and see if I could not provide Harvey with more stable enviroment. I did everything for him that I did for my own children. I bought him new clothes and visited his school, to see what I could do to assist in his schoolwork. It was challenging having him in my home, but mostly because he required so much emotional energy. He was also on ritalin, which I don't agree with at all, but was not his legal guardian so could do nothing about it. Personal hygiene, particularly, was a constant battle. Jeanine still wanted to retain some control, so I had a few difficult situations. I don't give my children sugary breakfast cereals before school, but she insisted on buying him his favourite cereal, which made my children a little jealous.

Still, we started to learn to live together and life seemed to be settling. Then my daughter came to speak to me and dropped a bombshell. Harvey had made an inappropriate advance towards her. He was 11 and she was 9. Quite possibly/probably I didn't deal with the situation well at all, but I totally lost it, and told Jeanine that I wanted him out of my house. A massive scene ensued where she lost control in our yard, and we had to phone Rick to fetch them both.

From that time Harvey moved around from family member to family member, but no one could handle him for long. Jeanine became seriously ill, and progressively paralysed. We never received a diagnosis of her illness as she utterly refused to go to the hospital. Eventually Harvey settled with his grandfather (father by adoption), Jean. Jean was also growing increasingly senile, and Harvey could do as he liked, coming and going at any time of the night or day. He didn't complete much beyond a Grade 4 education.

Jeanine died, and I saw that Harvey took it very badly. A year later Jean died and the extended family promised to rally around Harvey and perhaps get him psychological help, but nothing happened. Both my in-laws died with no possessions, so there were no resources available for Harvey, and he went to live with his real mother and father, Rick and Audrey, but their relationship was constantly volatile, as they were not stable themselves. Jean had a scooter before he died, and my husband and I quickly removed it from his premises when he passed away, as we knew that Harvey would take it and ride around, endangering his life and the life of others. We told him that he needed a license, or that we would sell it for him. He became so angry that I genuinely feared for my life for a little while.

The next few years were characterised by his moving away from Rick and Audrey for a little while, with whoever could offer him work (or exploit him), then the situation not working out, and his returning to Rick and Audrey. Their experience of Harvey was as an intrusion to their family, and the relationship between him and his younger brother, Marcel is volatile.

Rick asked my husband Sergio, to find a job for Harvey, and honestly against my wishes, he gave him a job. I will never stand in Sergio's way though, and will allow him the space to do what he needs to do. Harvey had been working for us for a few months when there was a major blowout at his home with Rick and Audrey. Sergio has allowed him to move back into our home. I have no idea how it will turn out. Fortunately we have a large home, so he has his own space. My daughter has already welcomed him and told him that their issues are in the past. My maternal instincts make me want to care for anyone who is under my roof, but because of my past experiences I am being friendly and polite, but slightly aloof, while I wait and see how this situation unfolds. The only thing I told my husband is that he will have to make sure that Harvey baths!!!

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The truth is you certainly can't choose your family. On reading through this blog I seem a little hard. This is not how I want to be, so I have to find a way to balance the needs of my immediate family with those of the extended family. Or kill them all. Depending on what day of the month it is! Clearly, over the past 20 years or so I have not learnt how to deal with family dysfunction.Wish me luck!