What is support?
My parents have always had the idea that they will not interfere with my life in sense that they let me to make my own decisions and live my life the way I want to live it. They never comment if my apartment is messy, though I know that they are thinking about it (They are super clean and their house is always spotless).
For almost a year now they have been looking after our daughter a few days a week while I’ve been studying and they have never criticized the way we raise her or the choices we have made with her.
But this story also has the other side. They don't really make any positive comments either. I think I can count them with my two hands and I’m 36 years old. Their support seems to be more in actions, like taking care of the dog, our daughter or asking us to come over for dinner. When I was young the support was letting me to have the hobby I wanted and take me to the practice and be there for all the competitions. I really appreciate all that they did and do.
Lately I've just been wondering why they never give any positive feedback. I have always thought that it's just Finnish culture plus our family culture (we don’t talk especially about feelings) but after I talked with my friend I started to think if it's something else as well. My friend's family has always been very open with each other, but she also said those positive comments have been pretty rare.
So what is it that makes it so hard to say for example that “you are a good mother” or “I'm proud of you that you are studying so hard and getting good grades in this life situation”.
Is it just that we are scared of feelings?
I'm also thinking about this since I’m now raising a child. How to support her the best possible way? What is the right way? How do I know what kind of support she wants from me? What kind of family culture I'm creating or want to create?
Hugs, Momone
It sounds like my parents too. They will help me if I need help but we don't speak about feelings and deeper stuff.. It's just how it has always been. Only now, when I got a kid of my own I realized that and it made me think about my parenting. Somehow it feels like they take me for granted, you know, of course she manages, sure she achieves. They don't say it though. There is just a lot of work behind things and it would be nice if they said we are proud, you've done so well.
One difference, my mom likes to interfere quite a lot, specially when I was younger. She wanted her thoughts to me mine as well, still wants.
Uuuh, a bit scary (that interfering and thoughts) but it's good that you realize it though.
Yes, it might sound scary but it all end well. I'm a bit stubborn so I managed quite okay.
If your parents have generously supported you through their actions and very seldom criticized you, I don't see their lack of words of praise as a significant problem. Maybe they have toned down their verbal feedback because giving a lot more positive feedback than they are used to giving would feel insincere to them because, possibly, they dislike the state of cleanliness of your home as you strongly suspect, for example. There are way too many parents and in-laws in this world who see it fit to express their opinions about how their adult children and the spouses run their lives. I understand that a word of encouragement here and there would be nice but if I were you, I wouldn't bring it up with them. Your situation sounds pretty much like mine as in a lot of support through actions and not much verbal praise (or criticism) and I like it that way very much.
I'm absolutely very grateful of my parents support and I don't have any need to bring this up with them. I just find it interesting especially now when I'm raising my own daughter.
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