Life-changing Girls - Week 1 (May 26, 2016)

One of the things that make this journey so much more difficult is the situation that I am put in. After I became an adult, my dad put two properties in my name. This prevents me from accessing any type of financial assistance. I have learning disabilities and should probably be on ODSP, but I can’t even apply because of these properties. I am a very hard working man. I can do pretty much anything with my hands. 

At this point in my journey, trying to stay sober is a real challenge. I want to be there for my kids and I want to get help. My girlfriend (my children’s mother) told me that when I was ready to get help to contact her cousin Rollie, that she is the best person to contact because she knows a lot of the resources and where to go. I contacted Rollie. She told me where I needed to go and what I needed to do to get some help. I had a few options, but trying the Methadone Program is the route I’m going to take. She told me that when I was ready to get the help, she would help me in whatever way she could. She told me that it was important that I was in my daughter’s life and that with the new baby on the way, it was even that much more important because there would be two babies. Getting started with the Methadone Program is pretty scary. I am worried how it’s going to go, but I am also worried about how I am going to pay for it since I have no income. It was easy when it was the drugs. I know how to make money and how to feed my habit.  

One of the things that I always committed to was NOT showing up to my visit with my daughter high or coming down. I did at the very beginning after Elektra was born, but wouldn’t touch her. I really didn’t want to expose her to any more drugs than she had already been exposed to during pregnancy. An agreement I made with my CAS worker was that I would not come if I could not be sober. I honoured that. It takes me about 3 days to come off the drugs. I keep my word.  

I talked to the CAS worker because I was concerned about the new baby. I came out of jail and my girlfriend was using a lot of drugs. I was really worried about how the baby was going to turn out because she was using speed. We were really lucky with Elektra, but that doesn’t mean we would be that lucky with the new baby. You don’t get lucky all the time. I prayed that my babies would be okay. Mama Sylvie prayed for me too.  

I missed my visit today. I am so angry with myself. I was choked. I can’t believe that I let my baby girl down. I forgot about my visit. It ate me up. I will make sure I get there next week.