Fifth day in the hospital - Rock the Boat!!

The last night I left rather late and came home tired and miserable for leaving my kid the whole night alone in the hospital room. She told me it doesn't matter, but was not especially happy about it, so I came home angry and down.

Unlike me, my husband is not present during the day and doesn't go to any classes about diabetes, saying I will do that and that he has no doubts in me and kid.

So, I am the one who deals with the doctors, nurses, specialists, psychologists, go to classes about diabetes, gets books and recommendations, have to read stuff and pass education in nutritionist and endocrinology... plus I have to be pretty much the whole day in the hospital next to my kid, because it "is expected that one parent does that".

You did notice that I said in purpose " one parent" and not " a mother". Doctors do say "one parent" as this should be shared responsibility, but in many cases, a father just ... is not there.
I am tired of that bullshit. It is time to rock the boat.

My husband either works ( he is our "slave drive" ) or is at home, we will assume he cooks the lunch ( he knows how to cook) or in some way helps me, he comes by only in the brief visit.

The fact is that he usually makes nothing. I have to leave my kid after a brief visit in the morning, run home and cook the lunch, eat heather-shelter and then return back in the hospital before the lunch so we can calculate the carbs and apply the insulin. When I come home late in the evening ( it is night at 8 pm), the situation is pretty much the same. I am too tired to put a happy face and cook, in fact, I just want to sleep.

He is behaving like nothing is happening, and I am in general too exhausted to talk to him. He is constantly saying maybe she gets well again and keeps on forgetting that I can't bring her ANY food in the hospital. I just nod, because my adrenaline which has been swiped to the max spends a lot of energy and my stress level would pretty much kill a horse.

My husband avoids talking anything about our daughter and keeps filling the silence with random chatter, mostly some docile things which murmur bounce off my hardened shell like the spree of rubber bullets.

I feel like the main character in my story Black Moon Rising - I locked into myself and collapsed all the space around me into a deep chasm so nothing and nobody can touch me.

Today morning I woke up on the wrong side of a bed as a bad version of myself - I found out that my daughter sent me a few messages last night that she is afraid, but she used the wrong application so I didn't hear her. We talked again in the morning, I barely had a coffee and then I hurry up to see her. I trooped in her room looking like a porcupine.

Prior I left the home, I agreed with my husband that I will send him a message when I tidy her up so that we go to the shop in the other part of the town. I stressed the fact that he has to be punctual as I can't afford any lag in my schedule.

My kid was not afraid this morning and she deleted the previous message of being afraid from the last night, which was kind of weird. I asked her what happened but she replied that she can not be sure.

After her last meal at 21, she remained awake and after a while, she felt afraid and sent me a message. The lights were on the whole night, so it was not so bad, she thinks that she fell asleep very soon but then she felt somebody pinched her finger.

She thought it was a night nurse taking a usual sample for the blood sugar control. Usually, she barely moves or just mumbles a few sentences in English and then again falls asleep. The nurses confirmed that she talks in English if they wake her up suddenly.

She looked up but the nurse was not above her. Something again pinched her and when she looked down next to her bed, she saw a small girl, much smaller than her, standing and watching her. She sat on a bed but while she was doing that, a small girl ran away out of the room.
She took something to drink and look at her mobile phone. It was midnight.

She said to me that she doesn't remember when and how she fell asleep and that she has a feeling that it was just a dream because till now she heard no small girls in this building. She was right, there were no small girls of that size nowhere in the building. There is one girl which we saw, but she doesn't look like that one.

The night nurse already left, so I had nobody to ask what was happening the previous night.

I sent a message to my husband who supposed to go to the meeting point at the same time as me so that we can do all the things in time. There was no answer, so I called him on the video chat, still, he was not answering. I assumed he will see the SMS and get there in time, as he is approximately 10 minutes closer than me, I have to go part of the way by foot, and I sent him a message 25 minutes earlier. Of course, when I arrived he was not there.

A shopping mall has free WiFi, so I sent him a message again and I called again. Finally, he called and after a waterfall of fire and hot coal, he said he was at the phone with somebody, after which I trashed everything I had on him - what a hell you have to talk for half an hour on the phone.

I was very precise and very specific, I have no time for the bullshit. Ok, the building still stands, but a few layers of the color fell off the walls and ceiling, I am not very likable when angered. He arrived 15 minutes after, just in time for Round 2, I told him that I have no time to go home and cook, it is out of a question.

Instead, I ate something from the shopping mall and return to my kid to follow her daily plan. We drew some kawaii characters, read and have some fun. I also talked with one of the nurses, I told her I am a medical professional, that is why I am not in such a bad condition mentally because there are things much worse than this, and she said to me that my kid is very independent, smart and likable.

After kid had lunch we rested a bit and waited on my husband to appear, then we went on the beach for 15 minutes, returned for a checkup and then we went in the main building to watch tropical fish in the aquarium and us two adults to have a coffee from a coffee machine.

Kid asked why her father is so agitated because she noticed he is twitchy. I told her he got a speech from me, and the fact is that he doesn't swim well in the hospitals and doesn't like any of this. I shook him pretty well.

When we were returning to the stationer my husband briefly talked to the man who brought his 16-year-old son in the hospital. At the moment a man said that they found out that his son suffering from the deep thrombosis, I grabbed our kid and stormed down leaving my husband to complete the conversation. I knew what will happen, and I do not want to disturb our kid with anything.

My prolonged daily visit in the hospital is not only that I learn all these things, but also to make a company to my kid, make her feel safe and happy which will speed up her recovery.

After he joined me, my husband asked me to explain to him what exactly is "deep thrombosis", as he understands little of it, and a man of that boy was crying. I explained clearly and in detail, it is not a pretty thing. No matter how dramatic what happened to our daughter sounds, there are many things that are worse. Add to the toll that we are extremely harmonious as a family and I am extremely caring, determined and energetic personality, so even if my husband is a bit lost right now, we are going to be ok.

My husband then remained to entertain our daughter while I returned home to make her a tea I bought for her in the shopping mall and to eat something. In fact, I just needed a few minutes alone. I also made coffee at home before I return to continue making our daughter a company till late at night.

My husband left to search a mini kitchen scale that will be our measuring tool for the kid's meals. He also was present when she had a middle meal and observed how to measure blood sugar and apply insulin. It is very important that both parents know these things.

While we were waiting on the dinner a kid became terribly hungry, cranky and started even to cry. It is very hard to put a body that was starved so long under control, and she is just a ten year old kid after all. Before the dinner we have to apply the night "slow" insulin, but under this sort of a hunger stress she was not able to do these things. The night insulin goes into the leg.

She was too tired and bent the mini needle when she tried to apply it, she changed it, but she was out of the focus and couldn't poke herself with it so I just took it out of her hand and done it under a millisecond to make it as smooth and as painless as possible. She told me wow! and later how she felt nothing.

We were watching "Brave", the cartoon, until the dinner came and I comforted her trying to take her thoughts away from the food. She ate a good portion for the dinner and now she is in the bed resting.

All of this looks so unreal to me. The only moment I truly see my kid is sick and in the hospital is when I come home. But, we are at the half the way out, and till now things are only improving.

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