Visiting Grandad
Have you ever visited a home for those with dementia?
If you have, then you won't need my words today to understand just how brutal it is. And if not, then I wish that you never need to attend such a place.
My grandad is 91, and his health ha sure declined rapidly both mentally and physically over the past couple of months. Today I saw him, for what could be the last time. It's the second time this weekend I've been in tears, but such is life - beautiful, brutal, and everything in between.
I walked into the lounge area and took the vacant seat next to my Grandfather. I suspect that if I'd not leaned over and said 'hello grandad', he would not have noticed me. My uncle (his son) wiped his face, and gave his watch a clean and a check. It's likely been a while since it has been more than just an ornament on his wrist.
This man taught me to ride a bike, took our family abroad, and worked hard laying bricks throughout my home town and the northwest of England for almost half of the last century. Today he sat there, eyes so distant, unable to string one solid sentence together.
I showed him a few photos of his granddaughter that I took yesterday and he spoke her name. It's been a few years since he's seen her in person but those memories are still there, and for that I am happy.
This picture holds some of the memories I have of my grandad, a tan, a smile (of sorts), and a watch, of course.
Today will likely linger long in the memory too. As we got up to leave he raised his arm - I held his hand and listened to what he was trying to say. Nothing came out, but it didn't matter, his eyes were the most focused they'd been all morning.
Together with the hand-grip, I felt he was glad I was there and appreciated my visit.
Thanks grandad.
I visited my daughter this weekend too, and hopefully this will be a more uplifting read when I get round to writing again. I fly back to Mallorca in hour or so, and will be glad for a rest.
Asher
I visited a nursing home and that was pretty vile. My grandmother had pretty much given up a couple of years earlier and decided she wanted to die, but her body wasn't giving up so easily. The only thing she seemed to enjoy was seeing my daughter. At one point I think she thought I was my mum and my daughter was my older sister. It was on that visit that as we were leaving we saw the 9/11 attack happening on the news. Nearly everyone was gathered around the tv, except for my grandmother and a couple of other patients who weren't with it any more.
It's not how I like to remember her. She was a strong woman who survived a lot. I'm glad you got that small connection before you left. If it is to be the last time you see him, it's good to have that positive.
Posted using Partiko Android
It's tough isn't it. The mind has gone but the body is still ticking over. It was the opposite with my dad though, and I wonder if that is my preferred exit criteria.
Right. They are the last memories but I also would prefer to hold the better times in mind.
Thanks for the message and sharing your story.
I work in one, 12 hour shifts, 2 days/week.
That is my experience: details of events, facts, names etc are not retained, but there is clear retention of emotional memory, how one feels, especially when the connection is strong and positive, like yours :). TLC is the only path for the visitor to take if there is to be a good chance of interaction; without contradictions, without shortness of tone, without 'nos' and 'don'ts' - it is incredible just how many visitors do not take this approach, including spouses. I have seen residents pretend to be asleep when visitors come :) - yes folk with 'dementia', with enough awareness to escape. The video below 'Alive Inside' is an incredible demonstration of how music can bring folk back:
Carehomes are strange places. There is the word 'care', yet they are private and so what they primarily care about is profit and the glossy presentation for the 'client', who is not the resident, but the family of the resident. Carers are paid min. wage - this in a society that considers the 'value' or 'worth' of what you do in monetary terms, is indicative! In 2.5 years of working, I have seen no 'official' healing, no attempt to do anything other than manage through big Pharma's mass produced drugs and their numerous side-effects. Carers, for the most part, care somewhat and fill this TLC gap where possible, but the majority are overworked, stressed and constantly on the go with work and then demanding family lives. I tried writing about it once.
Massive respect for this role you play in society, I'm certain I would just fall apart.
I couldn't think of another approach to take during a visit - surely the reason for this visit is to share some love and show that you care.
The first 2 mins of the above video have done enough to get me interested - giving it a watch now.
I remember reading that music is a great way to re-jog memories, I'll mention this to my uncle who could get a compilation of his dad's favorites together. The Professionals was on the TV at the home, he seemed to be watching it before we arrived, but I don't think it was a favorite it the past.
Your post was a tough read. I've just realised that in the hour we were there, no other resident had a visitor - a bit strange for Sunday morning?
It did seem that my grandad was on some 'medicine', I spoke to him on the phone less than a month ago and he was much more coherent.
Thanks for the comments @barge, appreciated.
Thanks Asher, it's funny though, coz at many levels it's a very easy job for someone with my outlook (ok, that's not very many :). I work 2 days so I am fresh. I don't have a demanding home life. I have learnt to leave my issues at the door so when I am there I am free-flowing without resistance (very easy with residents, but tough when colleagues generate drama coz they haven't left issues at the door :). This free-flow can be great in a dementia unit, where the engagement is pretty raw - lovingly or brutally so (moment-to-moment breakthroughs or being bombarded with emotional drama that has origins in the distant past). Either way, I've learnt a great deal about myself, and have felt that in this job, more than any other I've done, I can be myself. There's no systemic expectation of a carer, no 'responsibility' as such, so we're largely left to get on with it - I really like that unscripted aspect.
I know huh! But there are dramas, so many human dramas at so many levels that simple attention and TLC often get sidelined in favour of a mechanical sense of obligation, or hand-wringing, or else trying to force residents into 'memories' or details that no longer are meaningful - I've seen visitors get irritated with residents in a dementia unit! I get the impression a lot of folk don't know what to do and that the standard system-supported view is one that de-humanises them to an extent (treat the symptoms, but not what is 'human' about them), and it's easier to go along with that spin than to see through it.
I know, sorry Asher. There was anger expressed in it. A little bit of mine, but mainly that of wee L, whose story that was (in essence). I had a connection with her, I saw a lot of her suffering, I was also on the receiving end of her anger lol, it was oh so powerful! Her year, month and day of birth was exactly the same as my father's, who had died when I was 15.....she's gone too now, to a better place. The sad fact I have discovered is that a lot of (most even!) residents are not happy, at best perhaps generally contented. At times of stress, drama, anger etc the movement is invariably towards finding a way out, to reach for the familiar - home home home. It is tough to see, to not be able to do anything about, to feel at times that by working there, I'm am colluding in imprisonment and deception. It's a tough reality that the voices of the oldies are not heard. It's a tough that past traumas and pains undealt with, unprocessed, come to the surface at this stage of life, unfiltered, raw....and there is little or no support/assistance at the emotional/psychological level.
I wanna end on a bit of a positive and it is to say that for all the above, there is a lot of TLC provided by carers to the oldies in their times of need. That timely provision is, I think, the core of the job, and it is to the credit of many that this is provided in spite of the smiling, predatory system that surrounds it and makes it just as easy not to.
"It's not the best place to be" That's how we all see it. When I visited my mum one day when she was in the same situation, she told me 'last night my brother told me not to go out and play on the streets because its dangerous and there are cars all over the place" She was back in her young childhood days, playing happily with her siblings. It might seem sad to us but maybe not for them. I'm glad she was happy before she left.
This sounds positive, like she was re-living good memories even if new ones weren't being stored.
I'm feeling a bit better today, some empathetic messages to read, thanks for yours too.
It’s an absolutely brutal thing to witness. I think we’ve spoke about this before but my mom suffers from this awful affliction as well. It can be gut wrenching. Losing my mind scares me more than anything else.
I’m sorry that you had to go through this and that it could be your last time visiting him. I think deep down he appreciated it and @wolfhart conveyed perfectly what I was going to say.
On a more uplifting aspect, I look forward to reading about how your visit with your daughter went. Hoping she kicked your ass in mini golf or something.
Get some rest in the meantime brother.
🍻
Thanks for the message man. Yeah I remember you mentioning similar, and appreciate you sharing on the blockchain too.
Yeah my bro mentioned this after he visited the other week. Told me to 'take care' of him if he ever got like that... sigh.
I had a good rest, woke up to a soup delivery on the kitchen table - I must have been pretty tired.
Cheers buddy.
It sucks. Situations like this make ya think a bit. I need to do a Living Will.
We are going through the process with the courts currently in getting my moms power of attorney in order with my dad and sisters. Totally sucks.
Soup sounds amazing today. Might be doing that for dinner....
With the focus in his eyes and the grip of his hand he was telling you something more then words could convey.
You know what he said.
I felt that he was thanking me for visiting at least, lots of thoughts in mind at the time, and a few tears on the way out too.
Thanks for the message.
It's really really hard.
For a while, my ex and I had her 93-year old father living with us. The dogs would suddenly bark at 3am, and we'd find him in the garden with a shovel, trying to dig up one of the main water pipes because "he needed to know where the water came from."
We were his caretakers for a year, before we had to put him in a home.
I'm glad you experienced a couple of moments of lucidity during your visits... I sincerely believe they mean something, both to him, and to your memories, as time moves on.
Safe travels!
It must be really tough being carers 24/7, and just as hard to make the decision that a home is the best place from a certain point onwards.
Thanks @denmarkguy.
When you are someone's caregiver, you discover that you are never 100% asleep, and never 100% relaxed... and it wears on you. I have mad respect for those who are caregivers in a dementia unit as a full-time job.
I think it's tougher to care 24/7 for a family member than to work in a unit that you can leave after the 12 hour shift. It can be merciless being a full-time carer, emotionally disruptive without any outlet for expression, no respite, very little sense of any progress as the patterns and cycles can be short and extremely repetitive - exhausting.
I've mad respect for anyone that does what you did!
That sounds tough. That's nice you were able to visit with him though. It sounds like he appreciated it, even if he couldn't say it with words.
Pretty heavy yeah, tough to see him a shadow of his former self. Thanks for stopping by.
Man you're sharing crazy personal stuff on here. I probably would keep this entry just for my journal. Anyway, when you say those memories still are there and he spoke her name. Just the name? Must be suuperstrong moment, that the name is still saved somewhere up there...that handshake during the leaving must have been really tough..
I love the fact that he still wears his watches, despite they don't work properly anymore :)
Shit Im way too sensitive for such read btw, left me pretty emotional haha :D And Im sitting in the openspace office. have to control myself hha :D
This is my journal I guess, I'll lose anything else.
It was a tough weekend, but glad I went to see him. The watch is in good order, I just don't think he needs/remembers to check it anymore.
Thanks for stopping by.
These are hard times. I understand what this is like. But those eyes tell us everything they are trying to get through to us.
My husband's grandfather is the same way. Last time I heard him say something was last year, Christmas. It wasn't much of a phrase, just a word. He doesn't eat well either, his swallowing reflexes are making food consumption a dangerous task.
Much strength to you for this. I feel your heart and pain. Sending you hugs from afar.
Yeah I did think I wouldn't be the only person who's well aware of how tough it is seeing someone you love head this way. Thanks for the support <3 to you and all also.
I've read this with one BIG lump in my throat.
No further comment but; take care man.
Yeah, a bit of a lumpy one. I should probably chuck out something wacky to re-address the balance. Cheers for the message.
Nothing wacky to me. Written with the heart. Awesome.