Tracking Down Fake News

William Southold, The Southold Report

There has been some concern voiced lately, here and other places, that being a member of the Fake News Fraternity, its only member which I have gone at lengths to point out, is misleading to readers. This concerns me. I do not wish to mislead anyone. On the contrary, if anything, I wish to lead them, with my satirical flute, worn as it may be and out of tune, to the truth.

Real News vs. Fake News. It’s so confusing. Charges fly back and forth. To get some help in understanding this, I called Dr. Stephen Grubaugh, Professor Emeritus, Wayne’s Community College, Vinalhaven, ME, (founded by Wayne MacGruder upon losing a bet with his college fraternal (PhiOhMy) brothers.) In addition, Dr. Grubaugh is also founder of The Grubaugh Institute For Meaningful Societal Research in Las Vegas, NM, and is known to be a leader in the field of Fake News studies.

(Unfortunately our office phone lines were down, and I had to use my cell, which means he now has my number. I suppose I could block him in the future, but his research is considered classic, and he is the one “primary source” people want to question regarding Fake News. Perhaps you will see why this might concern me after reading a transcript of our short call.)

Me: Dr. Grubaugh. Thank you for taking my call. I’m a Fake . . .

Dr. Grubaugh: No problem. And don’t bother to explain. I know very well who you are. We’ve had our eye on you for some time here at the Institute.

Me: Eye on me? Why would you . . .

Dr. Grubaugh: We study Fake News. It’s our speciality. Yours is a particularly interesting type. Let me ask you, how is your sex life?

Me: (somewhat confused) My sex life?

Dr. Grubaugh: Yes. In the sack. How do you perform? Is your wife happy? Do you satisfy her?

Me: (almost stymied) I fail to see . . .

Dr. Grubaugh: Mr. Southold. You are in your seventies, are you not? Sex appetites wane with age, it’s a known fact. So how are you getting it up lately?

Me: But this has nothing to do with . . .

Dr. Grubaugh: It has everything to do with it! Sex has everything to do with everything! Just a minute . . . my wife is going to the store. Tootsie, are you still here? Dr. Grewbig is feeling lonely . . .

With that last comment ringing in my ears, I cut off the call. I briefly thought of calling Dr. Eisenberg (who I reported on yesterday) but decided to keep the whole matter to myself. That is, until my daily deadline quickly rolled around, so I give you this. Sadly.

Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold

(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)

(Original image from investinrenfrewshire.com)