ON FINDING EXPRESSION AND GETTING OUT OF MY HEAD

Growing up, I was a very closed off child, I kept all my thoughts to myself, and trust me they were numerous. Being an only child didn’t help either, it was just me, my dad and my mum. I had a routine, going to school, going to church, if I ever went anywhere else it was to either buy something or make my hair.

Over time, it had become a habit to spend all my time in my head. That was where all the fun was, with imaginary siblings and perfectly made up scenarios. It did me good for a while, I had company, though imaginary. But the downside was I had become too comfortable and immersed in the alternate reality in my head that making an actual connection with anyone other than myself seemed a Herculean task. Granted, I communicated with my parents (I’d be crazy if I didn’t as it was just the three of us) and was grateful to them for their love, which, although not verbally expressed, was evident in their actions. But it wasn’t a connection, it was love, mixed with a dose of obligation and in some cases frustration.

By the time I got into the tertiary institution, I made friends, at least that’s what I thought them to be at the time. Not that they were bad people, but you see the problem wasn’t them, it was me. We walked around and made the happiest of memories but we still weren’t connecting. For some of my friends who might read, I loved you all, still do but I just wasn’t quite there yet then.

I joined Facebook in 2009 but Facebook happened to me two years ago. I say happened because it was an experience that changed everything for me. I got to see people sharing experiences without inhibition or expectation. They didn’t care much about how it would be received, they just found comfort in unloading the thoughts in their mind. I knew I had gaziliion thoughts in my head worth sharing, many of which I had at one point scribbled but the first step for me was trust myself enough to let my thoughts flow, to believe that the thoughts woven in my head were not just good enough but powerful.

I started that journey a while but fell into a rut recently, a rut I am pulling myself out of now. I finally figured it out, I had difficulty connecting with my friends because I had little or no faith in myself at the time. I’m learning to trust myself a little more everyday, put myself out today, connect with people and care more about the content I have to offer more than my anticipation of how people will respond to it.

Typing this made me feel a little lighter too.

There are millions of people like me who would rather keep it all in than let it out, and for different reasons, some that I might not understand but know this. Trust what’s in you, it’s greatness and it’s okay to let people see some of it.

Love,

IyunAde