Exit Through the Backdoor

I have been living in Brazil for the past two years. I got here with the expectation of a normal life in a new country, new language and the perks of learning the behavior of a new culture. What I didn't expect is to live two years in a party dream island like Florianopolis, where everybody feels like carrying Amy Winehouse's legacy.

An Island that offers drugs, sex and party all the time. Here almost every person I know is always "broke" or "tired" but still the is a magical property that beer and joints are never missed in the daily walk around the park, beach or lake. How can a place survive like this? How am I suppose to not get crazy with this? Well here goes my story...

I arrived to Floripa (the sland's nickname) thinking of pursuing the dream of being a beach-entrepreneur. Recently graduated from my masters I hurry up to sketch ideas and plans to become a cool business man in a little paradise where sun and caipirinhas seems the best anti stress medicine for the job. I started kind of in the good path, found a job, try to scale up my chances very quick and then... the dream came true.... I opened a bar!! Imagine yourself in all those midnight summer dream conversations with friends about how cool will be to own a bar, and now, put that in a tropical island in the south of Brazil! Too good to be true! I even said that to myself.

I worked in hostel with the infrastructure, the papers and the niche to open a business like this. Then I met two friends from Sweden and we all got in the project. A very hard entrepreneurial experience, the moment to put almost every piece of knowledge and maturity to test. The party just begun. We open and like a volcano we rush to the top of the party scene in our super touristy neighborhood. People from everywhere was partying with us, conversations until the sunrise, laughs and guitar to sing all night. Alcohol and drugs to make the right context. I was living some sort of Jim Morrison lifestyle and I loved it.

Like a song said "you only know you been high when you're feeling low". The pusher comes and the party goes. We had everything, we used everything and seemed like life was for free with the only goal of having fun. I have to admit that we all got lost. It was too easy, now I feel I have been out of the real world for so long I don't know how not to be on vacation mode.

Business lessons were learned, in the very hard way, we got betrayed by many people and my partners flirted too much with drug addiction. After the lust for this life wears off a bit with the winter, we saw our true situation, we became addicted to the night, to the fun, to feel like in a Tomorrowland trailer, everything so real and so fake and the same time. Then the question is, now what? Should I keep trying to get this or is it enough?

The ego is the most powerful drive I have know, as the most drastic vice too. When everyone adores you, you feel higher than any other synthetic drug available, being popular is a state of mind that convince you to do whatever you want with much more logic power in your brain than cocaine or any relative. You feel you are in the top of the world, almost as a right, with everybody trying to be around you to serve you or help you, with all the doors open for everything, and here I'm not even talking about the sexual drive. I just need to mention that Floripa is the city with the higher concentration of hot people in the country. Ufff.... you have no idea how is to go out here.

Many crazy stories are the only thing I still carry with me after this experience. Opening a bar taught me a lot about myself, about pursuing dreams and discerning what you want in life. I still dont have the answers, I'm still trying to finding a way out of this nostalgia I have for those memories. Its hard to go back to a normal life after tasting the luxury of the night. Almost everyone I knew here have left, the island is renovating its people. I'm jobless and broke, with a home country falling apart, but as the only way to go. Travellers comes and goes, and the gringos like me see their projects born and die as a hard mode life lesson. Im one of those, now it seems my time has come to an end, but I don't feel like leaving this place like this, through the backdoor.

Floripa no matter how good or bar or difficult it has been, represents a huge part of me now, a huge lesson, that in denial won't help me to go through what is next. I don't wanna go like escaping from the reality that finally has catch up with me. I wanna say a proper goodbye to this place, I want to make peace with the idea of leaving and leaving for good.

Im not gonna use the backdoor, not this time.

Obrigado Brasil.