A Sense of Powerlessness Ruins Self-Esteem

A person feeling a sense of powerlessness in an intimate relationship centers it on a reduction in their self-esteem.

In healthy relationships both partners will validate each other to raise one another's self-esteem. Each person's effort enables the relationship and helps it to grow.

A person feeling a sense of powerlessness in an intimate relationship centers it on a reduction in their self-esteem. The partner is told at every opportunity or circumstance that their every thought, opinion, emotion and point of view in life is either wrong or off base. On the surface this may appear to be a trivial matter in relational dynamics. Powerlessness creates feelings of having a lack of control over your very thoughts and emotions.

At this point, it should be mentioned that as one partners' self-esteem is eroded the other partner's self-esteem rises. Hence, the relationship dynamics teeters from a mutual respect and regard of each other to one of self-promoting posturing.

In this discussion, the result of feeling powerless is being undervalued as a partner and as a person. The under-valuation takes place in varying forms.

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Lack of Equity

The first form of powerlessness is where one partner senses a lack of equity in the relationship. It is a common belief that a relationship is a 50/50 proposition. This is the ideal but hardly ever happens in real life. The lack of equity is not the ability of one partner to hold up their financial end in the substantive issue of the relationship.

It is the intrinsic valuation one partner gives to the other. The dwarfed partner perceives that they are made to feel less valued as a person. It is the conversation that one partner has with the other that demeans and degrades their sense of self-worth. In the old adage, “it's not always what you say but how you say it.”

It is communication in a relationship where one partner's conversation tends to either brow beat the other. This type of communication lessens a partner's sense of personal value and erodes self-esteem. A result of feeling less valued prompts the less valued partner not to take opportunities to share what is on their mind in the relationship. This often gives rise to tension and division.

Losing Ones Voice

Communication in a relationship is vital. In many relationships one partner can finish the other partner's sentence without blinking an eye or skipping a beat. Here one partner's personality is so dwarfed that they are stifled to think on their own. In many instances one partners' self-esteem is so low if they had a good idea they hesitate to share it for fear of being ridiculed.

This is where one looses their voice. One does not have the throat ailment laryngitis but an invisible muzzle on their mouth and brain. Fear is the muzzle. The partner fears ridicule, blame and sarcasm which cause them not to speak what's on their mind.

And when a partner has reached the point of never attempting to voice their opinion for fear of being shut down self-esteem has all but evaporated. Many people suffer in silence, not for a lack of things to say, but the sense of freedom to air their opinion or grievance.

Shifting Balance of Emotion

Have ever watched a movie where the people of an oppressed village cannot stand up to an oppressive tyrant? They cower tediously under the burden of their oppressor. They may try to rise up and overthrow the tyrant but all their efforts are met with failure.

They just don't have the power to gain their freedom. The villagers cannot stand up to their oppressor so they begin to harden their hearts and affections toward the tyrant.

In a relationship where one partner's self-esteem is dwarfed they begin to do what they can internally to stand up for himself or herself. One begins to form the emotions of resentment and disdain for their partner. They develop emotions to regain their sense of power.

The dwarfed partner makes a shift in the balance of emotion in the relationship. The dwarfed partner, having relinquished their personal authority to think, feel and act on their own, takes a less direct course of action to recapture their self-esteem.

After a period of time the subordinate partner assumes a less compliant posture and a more passive-aggressive posture in the relationship. The passive-aggressive personality is often assumed to counter balance what they view as the in-equity in the relationship. In essence, to re-shift the balance where things are not obviously equal but they have input without constantly being told they are wrong.

This shift in the balance of emotions for the dwarfed partner is the point where tempers flare. The dominate partner cannot understand why things are not as they once were in the relationship. The dwarfed partner cannot understand why the other partner does not realize they are unhappy with the way they are being treated.

The result is often an impasse that has both people refusing to yield to the other's emotional needs and expectations.

References:

Peter S. Fernald. Carl Rogers: Body-Centered Counseling. Journal of Counseling & Development. V. 78 p. 173

Dave Kelly. Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder: http://www.ptypes.com/passive-aggpd.html